


she puts it on (like it was made for her)

by MoonCacti



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, Fluff, and they being soft and gross together, just alyssa wearing emmas clothes i guess, theres no discerning plot to it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-05-19 06:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 37,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19351648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonCacti/pseuds/MoonCacti
Summary: Over time, a vast array of Emma clothes makes their way into Alyssa's closet; all sort of clothes, really. From the striped socks she has burrowed once for some reason, to shirts and t-shirts and sweaters and even a red knit hat that Emma had bought and only worn once before Alyssa claimed it.And is not like Alyssa deliberately planned to keep stealing Emma’s clothes; it just sort of kept happening and she just went with it. Though was it really stealing if Emma was always gladly lending her clothes to Alyssa when she well knew that it was very likely that she would never get them back?orAlyssa likes to wear Emma's clothes.





	1. it's in my drawer and you're all I dream

**Author's Note:**

> This was based off a post on tumblr about Alyssa wearing Emma’s clothes and was supposed to be one of those 5+1 things and then it became this huge thing that I lost control of. 
> 
> The tittle is from the song Putt if off by Kane Brown because it seemed very fitting.
> 
> Does anyone know if Emma’s grandmother really named Betsy or did someone came up with it? Idk
> 
> Also, English is not my first language, sorry for any mistakes.

The very first time Alyssa ever steals one of Emma’s shirts is also the first time they speak in years.

Alyssa is pretty sure they haven’t talked to each other since middle school, so she is understandably a little baffled when she hears Emma calling for her on the empty parking lot of the school one afternoon.

It’s late September sophomore year and the weather is just starting to get cold, especially in the afternoons; cheer practice was supposed to have ended almost an hour ago, but Homecoming preparations always had everyone a little crazed around this time of the year and so it happened that Alyssa was just now leaving the school and rubbing her arms to keep some warmth because she hadn’t thought to bring a sweater today.

Alyssa will for the better part of the following months look back at this memory with a sort of fond amazement because she and Emma had been almost friends once upon a time in middle school, but that had been before everything else; now no one at school wanted to be Emma Nolan’s friend and that was just how things were.

The thing about Emma was that, for some reason, Alyssa always seemed to be a bit drawn to her. Her eyes seemed to search for Emma whenever she entered a classroom, or on the school’s hallways when Emma rushed by trying to be as unnoticeable as possible; Alyssa always seemed to see her.

Though she tried very hard to not think about the reasons behind that behavior.

So when Emma calls Alyssa she stops and turns around to see what she wants, because the thought of actually talking with Emma is somehow nice.

Then she feels guilty for the way a part of her wants to look around for a moment to see if anyone is watching them. Emma seems to notice anyway because she takes a small step back and Alyssa wants to kicks herself.

Emma has never been anything but kind despite the way everyone behaved around her and Alyssa shouldn’t be treating her like all her friends and classmates did.

“Yes?” She asks eventually when the silence has stretched for some time and they have been staring at each other for a while.

"I, uh-" Emma stammers as if she was caught off guard even though she had been the one to call for Alyssa. "Sorry, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to borrow a shirt maybe?" She tilts her head and sounds so unsure and Alyssa finds it endearing for a reason. "It's just that it's cold and you don't have a coat and I noticed you were rubbing your arms and- uh. Not that I was, erm.” She is flushing bright red now and Alyssa bites back a smile.

“I wasn’t-” Emma keeps stammering, oblivious and sounding more nervous the more she seems unable to stop talking. “I was actually sorting out a few instruments for the band presentation tomorrow but lost track of time and-”

"Okay." Alyssa interrupts her if only to make Emma stop speaking. She can see that Emma is talking herself in circles and Alyssa doesn't want to admit that she's finding all this rambling a little charming.

“Huh?” Emma stops her word vomit and stares confusedly at Alyssa

"The shirt?" Alyssa smiles and nods to Emma's hand where she is holding a plaid flannel. "I'm actually freezing," she pauses for a moment.  "That is if the offer still stands…" She trails off then, feeling less confident now at the look on Emma's face.

“Right.” Emma snaps herself out of whatever was it she was thinking about and holds out her hand with the shirt for Alyssa to take; she doesn’t take a step to come closer though and Alyssa notices too.

“Thanks, Emma.” Alyssa turns her gaze to the shirt now on her hands; it’s the red and black one that Alyssa knew Emma was wearing earlier when they had Chem together, though now she is wearing a denim jacket over her t-shirt. She looks back to Emma to see her fidgeting with her glasses before dropping her hands awkwardly. “I will return it to you tomorrow.”

“Uh, sure. No problem.” Emma nods once, turns her back to Alyssa and hurries away.

Alyssa is left dumbfounded for a moment still holding on to Emma’s shirt, that is until she remembers just how cold she actually is and takes her backpack off to put on the shirt.

It’s warm and soft and smells like fresh laundry and lavender and the sleeves are just big enough that she can bunch them up in her hands. It’s so comfortable that Alyssa doesn’t want to take it off when she finally gets home.

And although she really did intend to give it back to Emma, she doesn’t.

At first, it's because she forgets it home the next morning, and then the next one too; and it's not like Emma ever ask for it back anyway.

So she keeps it and tries to keep convincing herself that she wears it whenever she is home alone simply because it's comfy and not because it's _Emma’s_ and ignores the part of her that dreads her mom ever finding it.

* * *

 

If asked about it, Alyssa wouldn't know how to explain exactly when was it that she and Emma become friends.

After that day on the parking lot, Alyssa realizes that she has been paying much more attention to Emma than she did before; they had always gone to the same schools and even shared some classes too, but this was something else completely different.

Of course, she saw Emma before around school, but after that cold afternoon in September, it's like she begins to actually _notice._

For example, now she is well aware that Emma always sits in the back in most of their shared classes, except English. In Chemistry, she is partnered with one of the kids known for smoking pot behind the school and it seems like it’s always she alone doing the work for both of them.

She also always takes her time gathering her things when the bell rings; always the last one to leave a classroom. But the thing that baffled Alyssa the most is how she is never in the cafeteria during lunch period.

It nags on the back of her mind for a few days, whenever she sits down on her usual table with Shelby and Kaylee and the other girls. It's not like Emma disappears after she has eaten; she never comes into the cafeteria, to begin with, and it takes Alyssa a while to realize that it's either because Emma has no friends to sit with or because she is trying to avoid being bullied. Probably a combination of both.

So on a Wednesday before a couple of weeks before Christmas break, she makes it a point to seek Emma out, because she tried to put herself on Emma's place and came to the realization that it would be awful to go through the hell that was high school without having no one to talk with.

She tries to convince herself that this is the only reason.

Alyssa waits outside the History classroom to catch Emma as she leaves after everyone else and tries to make it seem as if she weren’t doing just that.

"Hey, Emma. Hi." She says a bit high pitched when Emma finally leaves the classroom and hides her wince at the way she makes Emma jump a little bit.

“Don’t do that!” Emma puts a hand on her chest and Alyssa thinks that that is a bit too dramatic; she hadn’t scared her that much, had she?

“Sorry.” Alyssa tries again at a normal volume but suddenly she has forgotten what was it she was supposed to be doing.

"Okay," Emma says flatly and starts walking in the opposite direction of the cafeteria and Alyssa remembers what was it she was trying to accomplish here.

“Do you think you could lend me your notes? I totally zoned out there a little and I think I missed a few things?” She lies smoothly, falling into step with Emma and ignoring the way Emma stares at her.

“Sure.” Emma stops on the middle of the hallway to grab her notebook from her bag, looking around warily as if expecting someone to jump from somewhere and Alyssa wants to slap herself; Emma was probably thinking this was a prank or something.

“Thanks.” Alyssa takes the notebook from Emma’s outstretched hand and Emma simply nods before walking away and Alyssa sighs, she doesn’t know what she was expecting when she approached Emma, but this wasn’t it.

She thumbs through a few pages of Emma's notebook when she gets home and notices that even though her handwriting is a little messy, her note-taking is careful and organized and for some reason, Alyssa finds that very endearing too.

/

She tries again the next day; she gives back Emma's notebook when they're leaving their first-period Chemistry and Emma does that thing where she looks around searching for something while Alyssa speaks to her.

She thinks about giving up on her stupid plan once the bell rings for lunch, but still waits for Emma outside the classroom; it’s not like there’s anyone around when Emma finally leaves.

“Hey.” She says cheerfully and Emma just stares at her for a moment before answering.

“Hi?” She sounds and looks wary just like the day before and Alyssa searches her brain for something to say.

"Why are you never at the cafeteria?" It's what comes out of her mouth and Alyssa closes her eyes for a moment, basking in the embarrassment; way to go and make herself sound like a stalker. _Well done, Alyssa._

Emma squints at Alyssa untrusting and her arms defensively cross over her chest. “What do you want?”

"I was just trying to make conversation, I guess?" Alyssa shrugs, a bit put off by Emma's tone even if she kind of gets where Emma's coming from.

“I noticed. Cheerleaders only talk to me when they’re about to pull some prank. So what’s it?”

“No, um. I guess I just wanted to talk?” Alyssa is a bit disheartened by Emma’s tone and wishing that now she was anywhere else but there. This had been a mistake; was it too late to run away and pretend this conversation never happened? “I’m sorry.” She mumbles and decides her best plan of action is to just leave anyway.

Emma doesn’t try to stop her.

/

By some weird coincidence, they get partnered together for a project the next day and Alyssa honestly doesn't know what to expect as she makes her way to Emma's desk in the back of the class when the teacher says they can have the rest of the period to discuss what they want to do.

Emma has a very thoughtful look on her face as Alyssa sits down on the desk next to hers and Alyssa tries not to think about the conversation they had the day before.

"I'm sorry I was rude yesterday," Emma says after they have been silent for a couple of minutes and it almost gives Alyssa whiplash.

Alyssa nods but doesn’t answer, she opens her notebook on a random page and tries to think how to ask Emma what she wants their project to be about when Emma speaks again.

“Are you and your friends planning any kind of prank on me?” The way she asks it seems to Alyssa like she already knows the answer. It causes Alyssa to smile unintentionally.

“It’s not like that, I promise.” Alyssa tries to sound as honest as possible. For some reason making Emma trust her and understand that she is not like all of her friends is very important for her.

Emma nods and turns back to her own notebook. “Okay.”

“Can I have your number?”

“Why?” This time her question comes across more curious rather than mistrustful and Alyssa chooses to count this as progress.

“So we can talk about the project later? The bell is about to ring.” She smirks a bit. “I can even give you a heads up about any upcoming pranks.” It’s meant to be a joke, but she means it anyway and Emma seems to get that.

"And why would you do that?" Emma asks but still takes a pen to write down her number on a loose sheet of paper that she hands to Alyssa.

Alyssa shrugs and takes the paper from Emma’s hands, looking at the numbers on the page before carefully folding it in two and putting it in her jumper pocket. “Because maybe I’m not a complete asshole.” And that of all things is what makes Emma finally drop the doubtful expression she still had on her face and crack a smile.

Alyssa definitely counts this as winning; though she’s not sure what she had won yet.

/

Alyssa texts Emma that same day after school and they talk about what they have to do for their project. It’s History and Mr. Wilson won’t make them present it in front of the class or anything, he just wants a well-researched paper and they make plans to meet at the library during their lunch hour next week.

The first few times they meet, Emma doesn't try to talk to Alyssa about anything else that isn't what they’re researching or something else school-related and Alyssa tries not to let it bother her too much.

It's like that for the whole two weeks they have to do their research and hand in their paper, that is, until Alyssa offhandedly mentions a band she likes and Emma's eyes light up. She ends up rambling about their music for a few minutes and Alyssa listens enraptured until Emma seems to catch herself and stops.

Alyssa finds, without meaning to, the opening she was looking for.

After they hand in their paper to Mr. Wilson the last day of classes before the break, texting Emma becomes a sort of habit to Alyssa; one that she enjoys more than she cares to admit.

They never talk when at school but Alyssa likes to think that they're friends anyway. She doesn't know why the label is important for her, but it is and Alyssa tries not to think too much about it too.

Their texts conversations start simple enough; most of the time it was just Alyssa asking things about some class or another that they share, things she already knew to begin with but Emma doesn’t have to know that.

They talk about music too and that’s Alyssa favorite topic because she can actually tell, from Emma’s texts, how much she gets excited talking about it. So Alyssa makes a point to ask about what Emma likes to listen to and is happy to sit back and let her ramble via text messages.

It’s nice and Alyssa pretends the flutter on her stomach whenever her phone pings with a text now is something that always happened when she used to text her other friends too.

Soon enough though, the topics deviate from school and music and then they are talking about anything and everything. What book Alyssa is currently reading; what TV shows they both like to watch and what are they doing for Christmas and the list goes on and on.

They can talk about whatever comes to mind until late at night and for Alyssa that is the most refreshing thing in the world because with Emma she doesn't have to keep any facades. She doesn't have to pretend that she likes cheerleading or is excited about the upcoming football games or gush about boys because those subjects never come up anyway.

She’s not Alyssa Greene when she is texting Emma; she’s simply Alyssa, and she can’t remember when was the last time she was allowed to be just that.

Alyssa complains one day about the endless diets her mom puts her through when Emma offhandedly mentions the cookies her grandma has baked and this is how she finally finds out about Emma’s secret band closet.

Emma texts Alyssa the next morning before she leaves her house with very confusing instructions on where to meet and Alyssa is confused for a second before she shrugs and tries to come up with an excuse to Shelby and Kaylee on why she won’t be able to meet them at the cafeteria for lunch that day.

Emma is waiting for her in front of the bathrooms near the Biology labs where she said she would be and Alyssa smiles involuntarily when she sees her.

"You can't tell anyone about this," Emma says in lieu of a greeting and Alyssa wants to laugh at all the secrecy but doesn't, because even without saying she knows this is something important for Emma.

"I won't," Alyssa promises.

“Okay.” Emma nods and bites her lip before taking in a deep breath and only then does she leads them towards the door at the end of the corridor that Alyssa has never paid much attention to before.

Emma fishes a key from her pockets and opens the door, mentioning for Alyssa to step in first. The first thing Alyssa thinks that it's sort of… charming?

Emma follows her inside and closes the door behind them. The place is cramped, to say the least, and Alyssa looks around at all the labeled boxes and guesses this is where all the band's materials and uniforms and what-nots are shoved when they’re not needed.

When she finally turns to look at Emma again, she has a plastic Tupperware on her hands and a sort of flustered smile on her face that Alyssa definitely doesn’t find cute. She focuses on the Tupperware instead with a raised eyebrow and a question on her eyes.

Emma clears her throat and hands Alyssa the Tupperware. “I was bagging my lunch this morning when I remembered what you said about always being on a diet and I thought that maybe you would like some cookies?”

Alyssa is already pulling the lid and staring intently at the baked goods inside when Emma finishes talking; she doesn’t know what to tell Emma then because this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her.

“Emma.” She breathes out, looking up with shining eyes to Emma who is fidgeting with her glasses. “You are, quite literally, my favorite person in the whole world right now.” And it’s true; Alyssa can smell the cookies and it makes her mouth water and she thinks the last time she has had one of those was when she was twelve or thirteen. It had definitely happened a long time ago, that’s for sure.

Alyssa has this smile on her face, one Emma has never seen before, (not that she pays a lot of attention to Alyssa’s smiles anyway. _Wha- pff._ ) It's the kind of smile that stretches across her whole face like it's too big to be contained and makes Alyssa's eyes crinkle and Emma tries to ignore the way it makes her stomach flip.

“It’s nothing, honestly.” Emma stammers but Alyssa shakes her head and puts the Tupperware carefully down in one of the crates pushed against the wall.

“Don’t freak out.” She takes a step forward and doesn’t give Emma a chance to ask why would she be freaking out before she is wrapping her arms around Emma's waist in a hug; she doesn't even care if it's a bit awkward. It takes a moment before Emma hugs her back, but eventually, she does and Alyssa didn't know that a hug could feel this comfortable until this moment.

Alyssa can only describe the way Emma hugs her back as _soft._ Not the way she holds Alyssa, but how she feels everywhere their bodies touch. The smell of fresh laundry and lavender stays with her for the rest of the day and Alyssa tries to bury the part of her that wishes she could hug Emma like that every day.

She is not very successful.

A little while later, when they're both sitting down on the crates that serve as chairs, Alyssa notices the old guitar propped against the wall. It doesn't look like the instruments she usually sees the band kids playing so she assumes it must be Emma's.

“Do you play?” She points at the guitar with a half-eaten cookie Emma cranes her neck to see what Alyssa is talking about.

“Yeah.” She answers when she has swallowed the bite of sandwich she was chewing on and Alyssa wolfs down the rest of the cookie on her hand.

Alyssa hums at the flavor. She can’t remember the last time she had had anything this sweet and yummy to eat; she would have to work out extra hard later, but who cared? Sugar was the best thing in the whole world. Not to be dramatic or anything but was this what heaven tasted like?

"Will you play something for me then?" She asks when they have been sitting in comfortable silence for a while and Emma stops mid-bite to stare at Alyssa for a moment, her head tilted.

“Maybe. Someday.” She says finally and Alyssa is too full and happy to pester her about it.

/

And that's another habit they form; every once in a while Alyssa stops by the band closet and meet Emma for lunch and stuff her face with all sorts of food that her mom would never approve, but luckily for Alyssa, she would never know about.

Sometimes Emma will bring Alyssa something or another her grandmother has baked; brownies and apple pies and Alyssa sort of loves Betsy Nolan without having ever met the woman.

Other times Emma will simply bring an assortment of candy and chocolate she has brought and Alyssa even gets to bring some home, hidden in her backpack, for later when her mom is sleeping or out of the house.

They do that for the rest of the year and somehow, disconnected from the rest of the world in their own little bubble and without either of them realizing it, they become each other’s best friends.

/

The first time Alyssa catches Emma eyes flickering down to her lips while they’re talking and laughing in the band closet it makes her stomach flip and she blushes a little.

The week before, Alyssa had blown up peanut brittle in Chemistry and Emma had teased her endlessly over the phone but hadn’t said anything about it when Alyssa walked into the band closet that day.

They were talking like they always did, there was nothing different about the way they were interacting but something still felt off and Alyssa couldn’t just pinpoint it.

She thinks she sees Emma’s eyes on her mouth one more time when they say their goodbyes that day and the butterflies on her stomach catch her off guard; because surely, the thought of Emma wanting to kiss her wasn't what was making her heart race on her chest right now. _Surely_.

Years and years of practice have made it very easy for Alyssa to not be honest with herself so it’s not hard for her to push the thought away.

So, like a lot of other things, Alyssa ignores what just happened when she and Emma make their separate ways before the bell rings. There are only two weeks left of classes before summer and if Alyssa ignores Emma a little bit after that day it's not like Emma was making any effort to keep talking with her anyway.

/

They don't text each other all over summer and neither when classes resume in August for their junior year; Alyssa pretends she doesn't feel a pang on her chest whenever she catches sight of Emma passing her by at school.

 

* * *

 

Alyssa Greene kisses Emma Nolan on a Monday in late November inside the band closet when she should’ve been at the gym with Shelby and Kaylee and the other girls on the cheer squad.

For once, she doesn’t care.

Emma kisses her back and Alyssa has never felt so free and alive in her whole life; it feels almost intoxicating.

For one blissful moment, she feels like she could fly or perhaps burst into a musical number and it feels like all the butterflies in her stomach were coming alive all at once and Alyssa never wanted them to stop.

In reality, the kiss hadn’t been much more than a somewhat awkward press of lips, though later, as Alyssa thought about it, she would remember it as the exact moment her life had finally changed for good; turned around completely.

When she's lying on her bed later that day, she will remember the exact way Emma's jacket had felt on her hands where she grabbed on the lapels because she needed to hold on to something so she wouldn't float away.

She will think about how Emma still smelled like lavender and fresh laundry, just like she remembered, and how warm and soft Emma’s lips were on hers, and how she tasted on Alyssa’s mouth, and she’ll wish she was still in the band closet because nothing in her life had ever felt this good.

/

The thing about Alyssa Greene was that she always knew she was gay.

Not with that word exactly; it wouldn't be until she was older that she would know what _gay_ meant, or what a lesbian was.

But Alyssa always knew. It wasn’t even something she thought too much about when she was younger; it was just something about herself, not different from how she knew her favorite color was purple and her favorite cookies were the chocolate chip ones.

She was Alyssa Greene, she liked to sing along to the radio when her daddy would drive her to school and she liked girls.

In the eyes of a kid, it was simple like that.

It was not until she was a bit older that she became aware of how wrong it was in the eyes of some people; not until she went to church one day and heard people whispering words that she never heard before but knew they were meant to hurtand then father Johnson had read them a passage and explained how wrong it was to be like _that._

So she hid this part of herself before she could even understand it completely; buried it deep down until she couldn't find it and tried very hard to not think about it anymore, because she didn't want people whispering about her like this too, not because she believed it was as wrong as she was told.

And then her daddy left and she had other things to worry about.

But sometimes, at night, right before she fell asleep and when she was too tired to keep restraining her own feelings, she would think what would it be like if she told someone about this part of herself; how would her mom react? What about her friends, would they still want to sit to her during lunch?

And then she didn’t have to wonder anymore; not after witnessing first-hand what had happened to Emma Nolan, whom she sometimes had lunch with. Everyone knew how she had been kicked out of her house by her own parents when they found out about her; and if that hadn’t been enough punishment, then she was made the school’s live piñata because of it too.

All of it before the end of eighth grade. And it only got worse from there.

Her friends, some of which used to be Emma’s too, would talk about her like she was the devil incarnated and then avoid her like she had the plague when she walked by with her head down. The only exception to that being when they were bullying her, of course.

Alyssa knew the same fate would be waiting for her if she were to ever come out too, so she went out of her way to keep it hidden. She buried parts of herself somewhere even deeper than before and soon enough she was barely the person she used to be anymore; like a whole new person that even she knew nothing about.

And then, one day, Emma had offered her a shirt, out of nowhere just because she had noticed that Alyssa was cold and for all that mattered, she shouldn't have, because as much as Alyssa never actually bullied Emma, she also never did anything to stop her friends from doing it either.

But Emma still had found it in herself to be kind to Alyssa and all of sudden all of the hard work Alyssa had put into molding herself into the person everyone else wanted her to be had been for nothing.

They had even become friends for a while after that. Longer than just a while, actually; but then they weren’t anymore and Alyssa was left with all those feelings that made her scared and uncomfortable and that she had been trying to hide her whole life.

This time though, as she sits in an uncomfortable chair next to all of her classmates, with when she tries to shove it all away again, she finds she doesn't have it in her anymore.

Not when Emma is the only person Alyssa can see in a room full of people. Not when the butterflies tickle her stomach at the sight of Emma and her heart is racing.

Alyssa stares at Emma at their makeshift stage, sitting in a stool with her old guitar singing with a trembling voice a song about a perfect world where people were nicer to each other. Emma, with her plaid flannel and her immense bravery and for the first time in very long Alyssa doesn’t feel so scared anymore.

She’s terrified, actually, but not the kind that makes her wants to run and hide away. It’s more like that kind of terrified you feel right before the big drop of a rollercoaster; like you are going to do the thing anyway, even if you are afraid of it.

She can’t find Emma after the assembly is over, but she has the whole holiday off school to think about her; Alyssa knows something has drastically changed within her but can’t exactly pinpoint what and she thinks she can find out if only she talks to Emma.

She has a minor freak out on Sunday after church, because father Johnson speech about sin seemed to be especially directed at her that day. Liking girls had always been, for Alyssa, this abstract thing that she pretended wasn’t a part of her and it had been a lot easier to ignore when she didn’t have a real crush on a real girl that she really wanted to kiss.

The thought of kissing Emma is what brings Alyssa out of her downward spiral. It's what she thinks the whole day and dreams at night because now that her mind has conjured the idea she can't think of nothing else.

/

When Alyssa finds Emma on the Monday after the holidays, it wasn't on her plans to kiss her. Sure she had spent an incredible amount of time thinking about it and imagining what it would feel like and she's not exactly sure what her plans had been, to begin with, but it definitely hadn't been _this_.

She knocks on the door of the band closet after the last class of the day has let out and everyone else has rushed out of the school and the corridors are empty. And then she knocks again when the door doesn’t open because she knows Emma’s there; she has to be, there’s band practice later and she’s the person that sort all the instruments.

Alyssa wants to tell Emma she had been brilliant when she played Imagine in front of the whole school; she wants to say to Emma that she admires how brave she is because it mustn't have been easy to get up in that stage.

She wants to tell Emma that she doesn’t know why they stopped talking but she wants them to be friends again.

"Alyssa?" Emma looks confused when she finally opens the door to find Alyssa standing there, but she pushes the door open the rest of the way and Alyssa doesn't hesitate before coming inside.

She shuts the door behind herself and Emma still looks confused by her presence, though to her credit she doesn’t ask what Alyssa is doing there.

“Hi?” Emma says when Alyssa still hasn’t said anything and Alyssa brain finally catches up. The band closet still looks virtually unchanged and Alyssa had forgotten how much she actually liked this place.

But instead of saying something, Alyssa takes a step forward so she’s into Emma personal space; there’s a flicker of something on Emma’s face when Alyssa gets close that is gone before she can figure it out.

She flickers her eyes down to Emma’s lip, just like Emma had done months ago and then she’s kissing Emma.

She honestly doesn’t know why she does that; this whole thing had the potential to so much disaster and still, she can't bring herself to stop and pull back.

Not when Emma is kissing her back and her hands come up to cup Alyssa’s cheeks so delicately that you’d think she was holding on something made of glass. Not when all around Alyssa everything is _Emma Emma Emma._

When Alyssa pulls away, she doesn’t dare open her eyes immediately; kissing Emma had felt like the first breath of air after being underwater for too long and Alyssa was afraid she was getting addicted too quickly.

But Emma had kissed her back, right? Did that mean-

"Alyssa." Emma whispers and Alyssa opens her eyes, at last, to find Emma's already on hers, her hands don't leave their place on Alyssa's face and Alyssa thinks that must be a good sign.

At least it doesn’t look like she’s planning on running away.

So Alyssa kisses her again instead of talking to her and then one more time for good measure and the only thing that stops them from keeping doing that forever is Alyssa’s phone chiming in. Probably Kaylee or Shelby wondering why was she late for practice and Alyssa never wanted to hurt her friends this much before.

“I just wanted to say that I loved it when you played last week.” She breathes out still too close to Emma’s face to be able to think clearly and Emma hums. Alyssa can feel the vibrations on her own lips.

“Really?” Emma blinks slowly at Alyssa, she sounds dazed and this time Alyssa resists the urge to kiss her, but just barely.

“Yeah.” Alyssa clears her throat and awkwardly takes a step back, Emma’s hands fall away from her face and her skin feels too cold now where Emma was touching her a moment ago. “I didn’t mean to kiss you, though.” She can see Emma’s face falling and her brain catches up to what she just said. “I liked it!” She adds quickly, trying to salvage the situation and wonders briefly where has the filter between her brain and mouth gone.

“So we should do that again?” Emma asks, scrunching her face in confusion.

Alyssa doesn’t find that adorable at all.

“If you want to?” She shrugs awkwardly.

“I definitely would want that.” Emma nods once and Alyssa finally snaps out of it.

“Okay.” She steps closer to Emma again and doesn’t miss the way she takes in a deep breath or how her eyes are immediately drawn to Alyssa’s lips. “I’m gonna kiss you again now.”

"Cool," Emma says and Alyssa wants to laugh, instead she pulls Emma closer by the lapels of her jacket and places a soft kiss on her lips. Emma's hands find their place on her cheeks again and Alyssa feels warm all over.

Alyssa kisses Emma one last time before leaving the closet when she is sure there’s no one in the corridor to see her and the certainty that they would be doing a lot of that in the future too.

/

Emma is already in the band closet the next day when Alyssa walks in during their lunch period and this time Alyssa doesn't have to ignore the butterflies in her stomach when she catches sight of her.

“Hi.” She says and Emma’s head snaps up from where she was fidgeting with her phone and she smiles hesitantly at Alyssa.

“Hey.” Emma croaks and waves half-heartedly. She makes no move to get up from the crate she’s seating in and Alyssa leans against the now closed door to stare at her for a moment, neither of them says anything.

"I kissed you yesterday," Alyssa states dumbly when it seems Emma isn't going to be the one to break their silence.

"I remember." Alyssa can see the way Emma's lips tugs up a little at the corners and she has to bite her lip because maybe, there was a chance she hadn’t been the only one that caught feelings.

“It was good.” Alyssa nods once and Emma finally gets up; Alyssa has to swallow because her mouth feels suddenly too dry.

"We should do that more," Emma says when she is closer, but not close enough and Alyssa feels herself stop breathing for a moment because this was the only thought that had been on her mind since yesterday.

“I thought we already had agreed on that?” She takes a step forward, closer to Emma so their bodies are almost touching.

Emma is the one to bridge the space between them this time and her lips are soft and tentative for a second before Alyssa brings her hands to the back of her neck and pulls her closer until they are pressed together.

Emma feels exactly like Alyssa remember from the day before, but somehow better and Alyssa has no hope of controlling how she feels like she is already addicted.

She buries her face on Emma's neck when they finally break apart and the smell of lavender and fresh laundry on Emma's shirt collar invades her senses and she has to resist the urge to ask Emma what fabric softener brand she uses.

Emma hugs her back tightly and Alyssa feels like inside Emma’s arms is a good place to be in.

/

Alyssa texts her when she gets home later that afternoon and they don't talk about the kisses they shared or how they feel about each other or anything like that. They just talk about everything and anything that comes to mind, like they used to do before, and if Alyssa's heart skips a bit every time her phone chimes in with a text from Emma, she's already used to that.

* * *

 

The very second time Alyssa steals one of Emma’s shirt is also the first time they spend a night together.

But not like _that._

Betsy is out of town for some reason Alyssa can’t be bothered to remember and her mom will be working late, so they are guaranteed to have almost a whole day to themselves which is an improvement from the half an hour they usually have in the band closet together every other day.

It’s a chilly and overcast Saturday in March and Alyssa walks the whole twenty minutes it takes to get to Emma’s with a smile on her face.

Their relationship still feels like a shiny, brand new thing that is just between the two of them and Alyssa hopes it stays like this for a while; she likes the fact that _this_ is theirs and no one gets to say anything about it.

Alyssa absentmindedly wonders, when she turns the corner into Emma's street if she will ever get used to the butterflies rioting on her stomach whenever Emma so much as looks her way. She hopes she doesn't.

After almost two whole weeks of meeting in the band closet to make out whenever they could and then never talking about it, Alyssa was the one to bite the bullet and finally bring the subject up.

"We should talk." She says when she can bring herself to stop kissing Emma for longer than a second and Emma is kind enough to not mention the way she sounds out of breath.

"Okay," Emma says warily as she takes a small step back, but Alyssa doesn't like the distance so she pulls on Emma's shirt until she takes the hint and moves closer again.

“I like kissing you. Like, really like it.” She holds her bottom lip in between her teeth and doesn’t miss the way Emma’s eyes follow the movement before she looks up into Alyssa’s eyes again.

"I like kissing you too," Emma says and Alyssa has to smile because she sounds just as breathless as Alyssa did and it's kind of hot.

“I mean, I really like you, Emma.” She tries again and hopes Emma understand where she is trying to go with this.

"I've had a crush on you the size of the moon since the peanut brittle incident last year." Emma blurts out and Alyssa giggles because of all things she expected Emma to say, this wasn't on the list. "Shut up," Emma mumbles when Alyssa still hasn't stopped laughing a moment later.

"Make me," Alyssa says instinctively and watches as Emma closes her eyes and tries to bridge the space between their lips. "Wait!" Alyssa turns her face so Emma's kiss lands on her cheek and she smiles at the feeling. "I actually was going somewhere with this conversation."

“Okay.” Emma tries to take a step back again but Alyssa is prepared this time and holds her close instead.

“Alyssa?” Emma calls when it’s been more than a few seconds and Alyssa still hasn’t said anything.

“I want you to be my girlfriend.” She whispers nervously and if Emma hadn’t been so close in the first place she wouldn’t have heard it.

Alyssa can feel the way Emma stops breathing for a second and her own heart hammers inside her chest. She doesn’t try to stop Emma when she takes a step back this time, though she doesn’t go too far.

"Are you asking me?" Emma has a kind of happy glint in her eyes that has Alyssa mesmerized for a couple of seconds before she can answer.

Alyssa smiles because Emma hasn’t said no and she’s hopeful. “Emma Nolan,” she begins and releases the lax hold she still had on Emma's waist to pull a bit on the lapels of her shirt. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Okay," Emma says and Alyssa wants to be mad at her, because _okay,_ really? But then Emma is kissing her again and she forgets what was it she was going to say in the first place and Alyssa feels too happy to care anyway.

/

Emma answers the door with a shy smile and a small wave that Alyssa finds too adorable. 

Even if their relationship had evolved a lot from its initial awkward stages, sometimes Emma was still like this, sort of shy around Alyssa but not hesitant though, more like she couldn’t believe it was all real and was afraid if she was too earnest it would fade away.

Alyssa knew the feeling.

They don’t dare kiss each other until the door is firmly shut behind them and Alyssa relishes in the feeling of having Emma so close.

They have a whole day to just be together in a place that isn’t the band closet or stealing kisses on Emma’s bedroom when they’re doing homework and Betsy is downstairs and Alyssa was planning on enjoying every second of it.

Alyssa can remember the first time she came over here and Betsy had answered the door; she had looked so happy when Alyssa told her that she was Emma’s friends that her smile had split her face in two and Alyssa felt an immediate burst of affection for Emma’s grandmother right at that moment. Anyone that looked that happy upon meeting a friend of her granddaughter was clearly too precious.

It was an unspoken agreement between Alyssa and Emma that they would tell absolutely no one about their relationship and that included Emma’s grandmother, the only person besides Principal Hawkins that they knew for a fact wasn’t a raging homophobe.

Still, Alyssa was terrified of how her mom would react if she ever so much as suspected Alyssa was anything but straight, not to mention everyone else at school; So this had to be kept strictly between them and only them.

Sometimes keeping this secret was enough to make Alyssa want to run and hide and pretend the last four months or so hadn’t happened; but then she remembered how alone she used to feel before Emma, how she didn’t even feel like herself and how Emma had made it all better when she came into her life.

In more ways than one Emma was the best thing that had happened to her, so every time the thought of the outside world made her feel like panicking, she thought about all the ways her life was better now and then she found the bravery somehow to keep going.

Alyssa suggests a movie when she and Emma eventually let go of each other and then leads the way to the living room, pulling Emma by her hand. Over the past couple of months, she had become somewhat familiar with the house and its flowered wallpapers and pictures of Emma with her grandmother scattered everywhere.

Emma had told her once that her grandmother had taken off all the pictures of Emma’s dad from the walls and hid them in the basement and told Emma that she was only bringing them back when he decided to pull his head of his ass.

Betsy Nolan was a force to be reckoned with and Alyssa was enjoying getting to know her even if it was under the pretense of only being Emma’s friend.

Once Alyssa eventually chooses a movie and Emma gets all the snacks she has promised, they both finally sit down on the couch in front of the TV with a blanket and the whole day ahead of them.

Alyssa rests against Emma’s side with her legs tucked under her and her head on Emma’s shoulder while the movie plays. It’s nice in a sort of special way that Alyssa files away in her head to remember later because they almost never have the chance to be like this.

The snacks get ignored in favor of holding hands and for a couple of hours the whole world melts away and it’s just the two of them. It starts to rain around three pm when the movie is just ending and they don’t make a move to get up once the end credits start playing.

“I don’t know if I liked it.” Emma frowns at the TV like it had done something particularly offensive and Alyssa wants to giggle like a silly third grader with a crush.

“I knew you wouldn’t!” Alyssa laughs and grasps on Emma’s hand tighter when her frown is directed Alyssa’s way.

“Then why did you make me watch it anyway?”

“I wanted to see your face.” Alyssa shrugs and Emma rolls her eyes, though Alyssa can still see the way her lips curl up the tiniest bit. She goes to pick up the remote but Alyssa beats her to it.

“No, wait. I want to show you something else.”

“No way!” Emma laughs and tries to grab the remote anyway but Alyssa is quick to get it out of reach.

“I promise you’ll like this one though. It’s a TV show.”

“No.” Emma is adamant but only until Alyssa kisses her as a distraction. Alyssa likes how effective her kisses are because Emma doesn’t go for the remote again when she pulls away after a while.

Emma ignores the smirk on Alyssa’s face while she navigates the TV and looks for whatever is it she wants to show Emma. And what is there to say? Emma knew from the beginning that she’d always be a goner when it came to Alyssa Greene.

They get lost in the TV for a while and the rain helps make it feels like they’re enclosed in a bubble of their own.

“Can you imagine if we got to do this all the time?” Alyssa asks somewhat dreamily when there’s a lull in the action going on the TV. It became increasingly colder the later it got and Alyssa snuggles further on Emma’s warmth, well aware that their time together was coming to an end soon but still trying to enjoy these last moments they had; she had to be home by eight sharp.

Emma hums, “you would get bored of me like this.” She snaps the fingers of her free hand as if to demonstrate and Alyssa shakes her head and reaches for Emma’s hand with her own.

“Nooo.” She stretches the word, laughing a little bit as she pulls herself away from Emma’s shoulder to be able to look at her girlfriend. “I couldn’t get bored of you if I tried.” She says seriously and Emma shakes her head with an amused smile.

“You say that because we barely get to see each other as it is.” Emma states matter of fact. “Alyssa, I’m so boring!” She laughs. “All I do is stay at home and play board games with Grandma. I don’t even like going to parties, not that I ever get invited to any, but still.” She shrugs as if to say _see?_ And Alyssa listens with a small smile on her face and waits until Emma is done

She pushes herself up on her knees and drops of one of Emma’s hand to cup her cheek. "Emma," she breathes out softly and Emma is mesmerized already by the look on Alyssa's face. "You're endlessly fascinating." She says in such an earnest manner that it leaves Emma speechless for a moment. "You are by far the most exciting thing to ever happen to me, that's for sure." There's a glint in her eye as she speaks and what can Emma do if not believe her?

Alyssa’s phone rings somewhere on the floor where she had dropped it ages ago and didn’t bother to pick it up again and their moment is broken before Emma can muster an appropriate answer.

“It’s my mom.” She whispers when she finds her phone and Emma scrambles away from her to find the remote and mute the TV.

"Hi, mom," Alyssa answers the phone very put together and not at all like she was panicking inside. She can feel her heart beating faster and Emma keeps staring at her with wide eyes as if waiting for the world to fall down on them, but there was no way her mom would know what they were up to. _Right_?

“Oh.” Alyssa breathes out and her shoulders relax a little after a moment of listening to her mom and she looks up at Emma with her brows furrowed.

Emma’s heart skyrockets in her chest and she tunes out the rest of Alyssa’s side of the conversation imagining a thousand scenarios in her head; none of which end well for them.

Emma waits with bated breath as Alyssa ends the call with her mom and sits down beside her on the couch again, still not sure if she should be panicking harder or not.

“Um, do you think-” Alyssa cuts herself off to clear her throat nervously. “Would it be okay if I spent the night?” She winces at the way her voice squeaks.

“What?” Emma croaks high pitched before she can catch herself and Alyssa bites her lips waiting for her answer. “I mean, sure. Yeah. Of course. I mean, no problem.” She stammers, getting redder with each sentence and pointedly avoiding looking in Alyssa’s direction.

“Are you sure? It’s just, my mom told me I could stay over because it’s raining and she didn’t want Shelby to drive me home in this weather because she just got her driver’s permit and of course she doesn’t know I’m not at Shelby’s and-”

“It’s alright, ‘Lyssa.” Emma interrupts Alyssa’s nervous rambling with a smile to reassure her that it was indeed okay. Her heart had stopped beating a whole minute ago, but it was fine. She wasn’t nervous at all. Nope.

Alyssa chuckles awkwardly and Emma’s smile softens when she realizes that her girlfriend is just as nervous as she is. And besides, it was not like anything was going to happen anyway; they hadn’t even had the sex talk yet but it was implicit that neither of them was ready to take that step yet.

/

Emma cooks pasta for dinner for the both of them; they could've gotten pizza or something else delivered but Alyssa liked how cozy and domestic it felt to watch Emma move through the kitchen doing her thing.

“You really don’t have to be this excited for what is probably gonna be very sub-par pasta, you know," Emma says as she's bent over the stove to check on the sauce, there's a dishtowel on her shoulder and she is not wearing any shoes. 

“I’m enjoying the view.” Is what Alyssa answers from where she is sitting by the kitchen counter with a smile and Emma shakes her head without turning around.

In her head, Alyssa wonders when is the other shoe going to drop because this was obviously too nice to be true.

/

It’s when eleven pm rolls around and they decide it would be sensible to go to sleep already because Alyssa still has to get up early the next morning to go home before church that things become awkward again.

They had spent the rest of the night after dinner strictly downstairs cuddling on the couch or talking and ignoring whatever was playing on TV, but now they had to go upstairs and they couldn’t stall anymore.

And it’s not even like Alyssa has never been on Emma’s bedroom before; she had come over a few times before and they had hung around Emma’s room, but Betsy had always been around these times and the more they had dared to do was steal a few kisses here and there while they actually tried to do some homework.

It was different now, and even though Emma’s room looked exactly the same since the last time Alyssa had been there it still felt like it was a whole new place somehow.

“Erm," Emma stammers as she stops on her bedroom door and watches Alyssa rummage through her drawers looking for something to wear. Emma had told her to do so while she went downstairs to check if everything was properly locked after they had finished brushing their teeth but Alyssa still hadn't chosen anything.

“Emma?” Alyssa prompts and stops what she is doing to stare at Emma over her shoulder.

She was enjoying looking through Emma’s things for some reason; everything was neatly folded and organized and Alyssa couldn’t tell if it was Emma’s doing or just her grandmother.

“I was thinking, you should take my bed and I can take the couch.” She lets out all in one breath and Alyssa turns back to look at the open drawer in front of her with much less enthusiasm, she kind of liked the thought that she and Emma would be sharing a bed.

“You don’t have to?” Alyssa says at last as she picks up a dark green t-shirt to wear. She bites her lip and turns around finally, hugging the t-shirt she had picked to her chest and avoiding looking directly at Emma.

“Huh?” Emma tilts her head and keeps staring and Alyssa finally looks up at her.

“I mean,” she starts, finding the courage to say what she wants even if her heart is threatening to beat out of her chest. “Your bed is big enough for both of us, right? I mean- if you want to, we could share? It's cool if you don't want, though. I can totally sleep on the couch, I don’t mind it actually and I wouldn’t want-”

“You ramble a lot for someone who’s the captain of the school's debate team, did you know?" Emma cuts her off and Alyssa snaps her mouth shut to stare disbelievingly at her. "We can share," Emma says decisively before Alyssa can formulate a proper answer and Alyssa squints her eyes at Emma’s sudden burst of confidence, and then she realizes that Emma is actually doing a great job of concealing the fact that she is probably just as nervous as she feels.

"Cool," Alyssa says.

"Cool," Emma repeats and takes a step into the room as if she had been afraid of doing so before they had talked.

Alyssa smiles at Emma and turns her back to her, quickly pulling off her top over her head and her smile stretches as she faintly hears the way Emma chokes on her breath behind her. And maybe she has done that on purpose just to see what Emma’s reaction would be.

“I-I’m just, um, I’ll go, um, go brush my teeth?” She stutters out and hastily leaves the room and Alyssa can’t hold her laugh because they both have brushed their teeth just a few minutes ago.

Though if she’s being honest, Emma’s quirkiness it’s just what she needed to make her heart calm down a little. The thought of spending the night on Emma's bed with Emma is nice but nerve-wracking for some reason.

Alyssa looks down at Emma’s shirt she has just put on and smiles at the logo of the band she doesn’t recognize. The shirt stops mid tight and for a fleeting moment she considers wearing only that for bed; then she thinks she would probably cause Emma to have a heart attack and opens another drawer to find some pajama pants.

When Emma comes back into the bedroom a few minutes later, Alyssa is already in bed and under the covers, having quickly exchanged her jeans for a pair of flannel pajama pants that she found buried under all the others and looking more worn out than the rest.

Emma silently turns off the lights and walks over to the side of the bed Alyssa has left for her and is quick to join her under the covers, though she makes sure to leave plenty of space for the Holy Spirit between them.

There's no moonlight to illuminate the room as the rain still pours outside and the curtains are drawn shut. Emma isn't aware that she is holding her breath as she stares at the glow in the dark stars spread all over the ceiling; the ones her grandmother had insisted they put there a couple of days after she had moved in permanently.

Alyssa thinks briefly that she finally can say that she understands what the term “deafening silence” means.

“Em," Alyssa calls in a whisper after a few more moments of them lying awkwardly next to each other.

“Yeah?” Emma turns on her side to stare at the faint outline of Alyssa’s that she can just barely make out in the darkness.

“You have to take your glasses to sleep.” Alyssa is still staring intently at the stars in the ceiling and Emma pauses for a moment, realizing that she is in fact still wearing her glasses and surprisingly, that was all they needed to disperse the tension still lingering.

"Do you think aliens make movies about other aliens invading their planets?" Alyssa asks out of the blue once Emma has safely deposited her glasses on the nightstand and is back to lying on her side.

“You know,” Emma chuckles softly and Alyssa turns on her side to mirror her position. “I think they totally do.” She sounds so sure that Alyssa has to laugh too and it’s like the awkwardness from before was never there to begin with.

They talk about any sort of random topics for a while; anything from music and musicals and places they want to visit and weird thoughts that pops in their mind and so, despite all their best intentions, they don't actually go to sleep until around two am when Alyssa can't barely speak because she won't stop yawning, by which point all space between them and self-consciousness is long gone.

At some point while they were talking, Alyssa’s hand had found Emma’s under the covers and had firmly clasped their fingers together, she hadn’t let go since then and Emma wasn’t about to.

When Alyssa wakes up in the morning it's to the scent of lavender on Emma's pillow and everything feels almost dream-like. In a sort of movie cliché way their fingers are still laced together and, somehow, while they slept, her head has ended up on the crook of Emma's neck and Alyssa thinks she can faintly smell the scent of Emma's strawberry shampoo. In her sleep muddled brain, she thinks this is the nicest way she has ever been woken in her life.

"Morning." Emma mumbles and Alyssa smiles because Emma's voice in the morning sounds so hoarse and it makes her shiver despite how warm it is under the covers with Emma so close.

“Good morning.” She whispers back, placing a faint kiss on Emma’s cheek before mustering the energy to get out of their warm cocoon and go back to the real world.

Emma goes downstairs to make breakfast while Alyssa changes back into her own clothes; she keeps Emma’s t-shirt under her sweater and if Emma notices the dark green peeking out under the hem of her sweater she doesn’t mention it.

The smile on her face tells Alyssa she does though.

She kisses Emma once on the lips by the door, short and sweet, before leaving to walk to her own house with a spring in her step.

/

Alyssa rushes upstairs to her own room when she gets home as to not give her mom the chance to spot the t-shirt and ask about it; she hides it away in the back of her closet before changing on her church clothes and coming downstairs to face her mother.

That night she sleeps on Emma's t-shirt instead of her own pajamas and however small a gesture it is, it still feels like she's finally rebelling against something somehow.

It feels nice and different from all the other times she has worn Emma's flannel because this time it's her _girlfriend’s_ clothes she is wearing. It makes her giddy as she texts Emma goodnight because it still feels like none of this is real sometimes.

* * *

Alyssa finds out how much she likes kissing Emma’s neck purely by accident one afternoon.

They are on Emma’s bedroom and Betsy has left shortly after Alyssa had arrived to go somewhere, but Emma has decided that instead of seizing the opportunity to be kissing her girlfriend while they’re unsupervised, she would rather be studying.

Sure, the fact that she was a little mad at Alyssa probably had something to do with it too but Alyssa wasn’t going to take that in consideration now.

“ _Emma,"_ Alyssa whines and falls on her back on Emma’s bed. Emma still doesn’t turn from where she is sitting on the edge of the mattress with her English notebook open and a pencil. “You can’t stop talking to me forever.” Alyssa huffs.

"I am talking to you," Emma answers flatly without taking her eyes from her notes. "I'm also doing my homework; I can multitask." Alyssa huffs again.

They stay in silence for a moment, the only noise coming from Alyssa’s exaggerated sighs that she leaves out every once in a while and Emma’s pencil scratching the paper until Alyssa decides enough is enough and she decides to do something.

She scoots across the bed until she can sit open-legged behind Emma and even that isn't enough to make her girlfriend take her eyes off her stupid homework. It wasn't even due for another week.

Emma doesn’t protest when Alyssa’s arms curl around her stomach and Alyssa sets her chin on her shoulder too, but she also doesn’t acknowledge Alyssa proximity either. Being close to Emma like this is nice, but Emma still hasn’t said anything since their semi-fight and it bothers Alyssa.

“You can’t stay mad at me forever.” She whispers on Emma’s neck and watches in delight as goosebumps rise on Emma's skin. She didn't know she could do that.

“I’m not-” Emma clears her throat. “I’m not mad at you.” She lies badly as Alyssa places a small kiss just under her ear.

“Okay.” Alyssa whisper and places another kiss lower, just under Emma’s jaw. She can actually feel Emma’s shiver this time and it spurs her on. The next kiss is on Emma’s neck and Emma lets out a small noise on the back of her throat that makes Alyssa’s brain short circuit for a moment.

Emma stops breathing when she realizes what had just happened, she can feel her face flushing with embarrassment but doesn’t try to pull away and Alyssa takes that as a sign to keep going.

Alyssa repeats what she had done in hopes Emma will make the same noise again and she is not disappointed. It’s a mixture of a whine and a groan and Alyssa’s convinced she will die if she doesn’t hear it one more time.

She decides to test her boundaries then; the next kiss is open-mouthed and she can taste Emma's skin on her tongue. Vaguely she registers the clatter of Emma's notebook falling on the floor but she is more interested in the noise Emma has just made now. This one is more like a grunt and Alyssa tries again.

She sucks lightly on the skin and doesn’t let go for a second and Emma lets out a small whine, she does it again, in the same spot and Emma groans this time so Alyssa doesn’t stop.

Emma’s breath sounds ragged and Alyssa can feel how her own heart is pounding inside her chest and in her mind, there's nothing more important than to keep on making Emma make these sounds.

The loud noise of the front door being slammed shut is what makes Alyssa disconnect her mouth from Emma’s neck with a soft _pop_ that she doesn’t have time to dwell on as they jump apart in different directions to grab notebooks and pens and pretend they were actually doing homework.

Betsy footsteps echo loudly on the stairs and Alyssa tries to regulate her breath as best as she can so Betsy won't notice anything amiss when she comes in. She chances a look at Emma and her eyes widen, but it's too late to warn her about the purple mark forming on her neck because Betsy is already at the door.

Betsy walks into Emma’s bedroom with a smile and a box of donuts on one hand; her smart eyes flit between Emma and Alyssa sitting on opposites of the bed and she sighs before depositing the box on the mattress and crossing her arms over her chest. Alyssa's heart skips a beat.

“You girls aren’t studying too hard, are you?” She asks with a glint in her eyes that Alyssa doesn't know what to make of. 

“Just the normal amount, I guess?” Emma answers, fidgeting with her glasses nervously and exchanging a glance with Alyssa.

Betsy hums, still staring intently at them both. “That’s good.” She nods with a smile, “And I’m sure your homework won’t go anywhere if you pause for a bit to eat some donuts.” She nudges the box towards Alyssa with a wink. “They should still be warm.”

“Thanks, Grandma," Emma says, she's still a bit breathless but Betsy doesn't mention it.

"Of course," Betsy's eyes flicker to Emma's and the smirk she had on her face morphs into a gentle smile. "Alyssa, dear, are you staying for dinner this time?" She turns back to Alyssa with a raised eyebrow but the smile stays on her face and Alyssa finally relaxes and smiles back.

“Sorry, Betsy. I have to be home before six.”

"Yeah, yeah." Betsy shakes her head, "Okay girls, I'll be downstairs working on a dinner that Alyssa, unfortunately, won't be able to join. Make sure you don’t work too hard.” And with a last nudge to the box of donuts, she is gone, out of the door and Alyssa can hear her stomping down the stairs.

There’s a pregnant silence between Emma and Alyssa after Betsy leaves; neither girl knowing what to say.

Eventually, though, Emma takes in a deep breath and breaks the silence. "That was close." She shrugs and turns to Alyssa to gauge her expression.

Alyssa snaps out of it at the sound of Emma’s voice and her eyes drop down to her neck; more specifically the small purple mark on Emma’s neck that she’s oblivious is even there.

“Emma?” Alyssa scoots over to look over the donut’s box and purposefully avoid Emma’s eyes. “Do you think your Grandma noticed?” She asks, as nonchalantly as she can pretend to be.

“I don’t think so?” Emma shrugs at ease and picks a donut from the box, taking a big bite out it.

“I was actually talking about…” Alyssa trails off, gesturing vaguely with her hands close to her neck and Emma frowns.

“What do you mean?” Emma asks confused after she has swallowed her donut.

“You have something…” Alyssa clears her throat and points to her own neck before looking down and away from Emma.

“What?” Alyssa can hear Emma getting up from the bed and moving through her room, possibly to look at herself in the mirror. “ _Oh.”_ Emma murmurs after a moment and Alyssa blushes. “I mean, Grandma has very poor eyesight?”

Alyssa wants to laugh at Emma's words but can't. She can feel a lump forming in her throat and her heartbeat picking up at the thought of someone finding out about their relationship. And she knows that this is Betsy, she wouldn’t make a big deal of Emma and Alyssa dating if she knew; and they don’t even know if she had even noticed something or not but Alyssa can’t control the panic suddenly swelling inside her.

"I should go," Alyssa says, abandoning the donut she had picked up but hadn’t eaten back in the box as she gets up from the bed in a hush to start gathering her things.

“Alyssa, wait.” Emma walks up to her. “It’s okay.” She says soothingly and catches Alyssa hands on hers to stop her from shoving things on her backpack. “Grandma doesn’t mind, I promise. And she won’t tell anyone either, she knows how people are here.” She tries to reason.

"My mom can't know about us, Emma," Alyssa says as the panic settles more deeply into her.

“She won’t. I promise, Alyssa. Just breathe, please.” Emma asks Alyssa a bit frantic and Alyssa does as she is told and takes in a deep breath, realizing that in her panic she wasn’t taking in enough air.

She doesn’t protest when Emma pulls her into a hug that is a bit too tight; it’s enough to bring her down back to Earth and she hugs Emma back just as tightly, fisting the fabric of Emma’s t-shirt on her hands and burying her face on Emma’s neck. All around her then is Emma’s familiar smell and somehow that’s what makes her stop struggling for air.

Emma whispers to her that it’s okay and through the haze of panic still lingering on her mind, Alyssa believes her.

/

She still wants to leave when she has calmed down and Emma doesn’t try to prevent her from going this time.

“I’ll talk to Grandma later, alright?” Emma says softly to her when she walks Alyssa to the front door.

Alyssa simply nods and holds on tight to Emma’s hand on hers.

“Are we okay?” Emma asks her in a small voice and Alyssa catches up to what must be on Emma’s mind.

“We’re okay.” She tells Emma and tries to convey on her voice that yes, they were fine; she wasn’t going to break up with Emma because she was panicking a little over something she wasn’t even sure of.

“Text me when you get home?”

"I will." And with a last squeeze to Emma's hand, Alyssa was out of the door to make the walk back to her own house

/

Emma texts Alyssa after dinner to tell her that yes, Betsy had caught on the hickey on Emma’s neck and yes, she kind of already knew about the both of them and she was more than okay with it. But now Alyssa was officially invited for dinner, and no, she couldn’t get out of this one.

Emma’s last text to Alyssa says that her grandmother has promised to keep their secret like it’s her own and Alyssa falls back on her own bed feeling like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders and the last of the tension she was still carrying since leaving Emma’s finally leaves her.

Though now she feels nervous for a totally different reason as she ponders over Betsy’s “official dinner invitation.” In the back of her mind, she knows it's going to be okay and it is.

* * *

When May rolls around and their junior year ends and Alyssa eventually has to leave for Bible Camp for eight weeks like she does every year, she packs both Emma’s flannel and t-shirt with all her other clothes without her mother noticing it and it feels like the biggest rebellious act ever committed.

 


	2. you fit well on me

Bible Camp is only over and done in mid-August and Alyssa can't even explain how relieved she is when she spots her mom's car parked in the empty field that serves as the parking lot. She literally could cry, Bible Camp was a lot and always left her feeling drained and exhaust instead of in peace and closer to God like it was advertised.

The two hours long drive back home is filled with her mom’s incessant chat that Alyssa tries her best to keep up with but is hard with how tired she is feeling. Her mom doesn't seem to pick on that as she tells Alyssa about her garden and work and how excited for the upcoming school year she is.

Alyssa has a shot at becoming co-captain of the cheer squad this year, and there's also homecoming and Mrs. Greene has already chosen the dress Alyssa is going to wear because she is sure Alyssa is going to win homecoming queen and- and Alyssa tunes her out as her phone vibrates in her hand.

It’s a text from Emma and Alyssa heart skips a beat on her chest as she reads it; it’s a simple _i miss you, can’t wait to see you again_ and a heart emoji but is enough to make her feel lighter than she had the whole time she spent at the Camp.

For the whole eight weeks they spent in Bible Camp, everyone is only allowed to use their phones on Sundays afternoon which for Alyssa were half spent in calls with her mom that she couldn’t scape of, and that meant that there was only a small window of time left to call Emma. For all the summers Alyssa has ever spent in this same place, this was the one that seemed to drag on for forever.

“Is that your friends?” Mrs. Greene asks, stealing a quick glance in Alyssa’s direction and noticing her smiling down at her phone. Alyssa quickly hit send on the text she was writing back and locked her phone again.

“Yeah,” she clears her throat, “just Kaylee wanting to meet when I’m back home.” Which technically wasn’t a lie, there had been a few texts from her friends there as well, but she hadn’t answered those yet.

“I hope you’re not making any plans for today,” her mom tells her. “I was thinking about me and you going out to eat somewhere after you have unpacked.” She’s smiling as she speaks and Alyssa remembers that she has indeed missed her mom a little over the summer.

“No, nothing today. Where are we going?" Alyssa is genuinely excited as she asks because she can't even remember when was the last time they went out to eat instead of staying home and eating Mrs. Greene very healthy cooking. _Read: green, steamed and unseasoned._

/

It’s not until Wednesday that Alyssa _finally_ gets a chance to escape both her mom and her friends and _finally_ reunite with her girlfriend.

She tells her mom she is going to be out with the girls on the cheer squad and tell her friends that she’s spending the day with her mom, and instead, she walks two blocks to where Emma told her she had parked her brand new old pickup truck.

Alyssa can see it parked at the end of the street, she knows it’s Emma's because she recognizes it from the pictures Emma had sent; Alyssa’s heart starts to beat faster the closer she gets.

It feels almost like that Monday after the thanksgiving assembly all over again; that rollercoaster feeling, the flutter on her stomach. And as much as Alyssa is excited to finally see Emma after so long she also feels nervous all of sudden.

Emma has on a bright smile as Alyssa climbs into the truck and Alyssa is awestruck for a moment; it’s like Emma looks more beautiful than she remembers and it makes her breath catch on her throat for a second.

Emma hair is shorter and looks lighter too, Alyssa notices that she has a light tan, probably because Betsy has forced her to spend some time outside and Alyssa can’t contain the smile that spreads on her face as she takes in her girlfriend.

“I like your new glasses.” Alyssa finally says, lifting a hand to touch said glasses before dropping it down when she realizes what she was about to do.

Emma’s smile widens and Alyssa’s heart skips a beat, it kind of feels like they’re back to the early awkward days of their relationships. She can see Emma’s hand curled in a loose fist on her lap, as if she was holding back, just like Alyssa had done earlier; it’s like they’re offbeat and Alyssa racks her mind for a way to fix that.

"I missed you," Emma says, looking down shyly and pulling Alyssa away from her thoughts because she knows what she’s going to do next.

Alyssa scoots over on her seat and Emma leans toward her as if as being pulled by a magnet, so Alyssa kisses her instead of saying just how much she has missed her too.

Emma’s lips are soft and warm and Alyssa’s kisses her hard and slow, one hand holding tight on the lapel of Emma’s shirt and pulling her closer. Alyssa kisses Emma like she’s drowning and Emma’s the oxygen; not to be dramatic but after eight weeks this is exactly how she feels.

"Hi," Alyssa breathes against Emma's lips when she pulls back a little, and then she kisses Emma again before she can answer, just because she missed being able to do it so much and because now she can.

“Hello,” Emma sighs, a little out of breath when the kiss slows to a stop but they stay close, their foreheads touching. Alyssa opens her eyes but Emma's are still closed and she takes the opportunity to simply look at her; she can’t help it because Emma looks like she just had her breath stolen and Alyssa loves her like this.

"I missed you too," Alyssa tells her softly and pecks Emma on the lips once before forcing herself to let go of Emma's shirt and pull away completely because if she stays that close they will never leave.

Emma finally opens her eyes and the smile that spreads on her face is so soft and full of affection that it has Alyssa's stomach doing summersaults.

“I like your new truck.” Alyssa looks around the cabin with a smile but doesn’t take in much before she turns her eyes to Emma again; it’s so silly, but she kind of feels like if she looks away for too long Emma could disappear.

Emma laughs at that, “it’s so old that is basically ancient, Alyssa.” But Alyssa can see that she is proud of it anyway as she turns to face the wheel and turn on the ignition.

“I like it anyway.” She retorts with a shrug; they’re both still smiling and Alyssa feels like, just like that, they have found their old rhythm again.

Emma drives around for a while as she fills Alyssa in on what she and Betsy had done over summer. Emma had gotten her driver’s permit just a few weeks ago and had to get new prescription glasses because of it, and Betsy had surprised her with the pickup truck after that.

Alyssa listens closely to everything Emma is telling her because it’s nice to be able to hear her talking and look at her at the same time, and Alyssa is happy to stay like this for a while.

Between Alyssa’s cheer practice and debate club and Emma’s band meeting and having to keep their relationship a secret from every single person they knew, it’s not like it was easy to find a moment for themselves, but they made do with what they had.

There was the band closet and Emma's bedroom until Betsy had figured out that they were more than friends and doing more than just homework on Emma’s room upstairs. She had since then instated an open door policy that should be abided at all times whenever Alyssa was over, which sucked because it meant that now they had even less privacy than they did before.

On another hand though, as Alyssa mulled over it after she was done panicking, it kind of felt immensely freeing to have someone finally know and acknowledge their relationship, as if it made it all the more real. Even if it was only one person and Emma had sworn her to secrecy.

But now, now Emma had a car; and with a car came a whole new world of possibilities too. A car meant that finding privacy became much easier and what they come up in such short notice is Emma's truck parked in an empty field near the town's entrance while a random country song plays on the radio, though they can’t be bothered about the music right now.

"God, I missed you," Alyssa says for what feels like the hundredth time when she pulls herself away from Emma’s lips so they can catch their breath.

Emma groans and it sends a wave of electricity all the way to Alyssa’s toes for some reason; she really likes it when Emma makes noises like this. “This summer sucked so much without you.” Emma huffs and cranes her neck to hit her head lightly on the headrest of her seat and Alyssa eyes are immediately drawn to the stretch of her throat.

“Tell me about it,” she mumbles distractedly as she leans forward to place a small kiss under Emma’s ear. “Bible Camp always suck, but I swear, this year was just hellish.” Another kiss. “Pun intended.” She whispers on Emma’s ear but is not like Emma is paying attention anymore.

The air inside the truck feels heavy and charged and it has nothing to do with the summer heat. Alyssa scoots closer until she's almost on Emma's lap and the next kiss she places on Emma's throat is lingering and open-mouthed and she sucks not so lightly on the skin underneath her lips because she loves the way Emma melts under her when she does that. She bites on the same spot once before pulling away, because it makes Emma whine and because she can.

“Holy shit, Alyssa.” Emma hisses out loud but her eyes remain closed and Alyssa watches mesmerized as her throat bobs up and down when she swallows hard.

“Exactly,” Alyssa replies, not caring the least if she’s making sense or not.

/

Emma has a hickey on her neck that lasts long enough that she has to cover it up with makeup when their senior year begins the next Monday and Alyssa can’t help the smile that splits her face every time she catches sight of her girlfriend in the school’s corridors.

/

Alyssa will forever be grateful that they have Betsy on their side and she loves the feeling of normalcy and comfort that washes over her whenever she knocks on the door of Emma’s house and her grandmother is the one to answer; always with a smile, a hug and the promise of something delicious and not healthy for Alyssa to eat later.

And don’t get Alyssa wrong, she loves the way Betsy supports their relationship, but there’s something to be said about her open-door-at-all-times policy. Like, it _sucked._

Alyssa obviously loves all the times she gets to spend cuddled on Emma's bed as they watch a movie, or even just sit close as they do their homework. But sometimes, sometimes, a girl just wants to feel her girlfriend up without fearing being caught by said girlfriend grandmother that likes to loudly clear her throat to announce her presence just when Alyssa has slipped her hand under said girlfriend's t-shirt.

It has happened before. More than once.

There’s this sort of desperation to the way they kiss now; the way they seem unable to keep their hands off of each other whenever they get a moment alone. Alyssa thinks that maybe this is a typical teenager thing, but maybe it's also born out of the fact that they barely ever get to spend any time together alone and what better way to make someone want something than by depriving them of it?

So they try to make do with the band closet and Alyssa will admit that since she got it, Emma's truck has seen more make-out sessions that they can count.

For obvious reasons, they have to keep it innocent in the band closet, but it has become a lot harder to do that lately. Sometimes Alyssa just has to push her hands under Emma’s shirt while she sucks a hickey somewhere easy hide, usually Emma’s collarbones. Sometimes she will fiddle with Emma’s bra strap because she likes how Emma gasps when she does that.

They had talked about _it;_ of course, they had. But that had been a while ago and perhaps, Alyssa thinks, they should have that talk again.

/

On the last Sunday of September, Emma drives them both to the neighboring town that is just slightly bigger than Edgewater and over an hour away and they calculate that the chances of them running on someone they know are basically zero.

Alyssa pays for their ice cream and they sit side by side on a bench in the park and watch the people mingle about as they talk about anything they want while they wait until is time to get to the movie theater. No one knows who Alyssa and Emma are here and even if they still don’t dare to act like a couple out in the open, they also don’t have to pretend that they don’t know each other and it’s nice to be able to just sit together and talk.

Their shoulders brush every once in a while as they walk through the streets, window shopping and wishing more than anything that this was their normal.

Alyssa rests her head on Emma’s shoulder and holds her hand while the movie plays and smiles the whole hour and a half they stay there; if asked she wouldn’t know what the movie was about, but she could tell that it was nice.

They head back to Emma’s truck only when they’re full of fast food and tired of roaming around town; Emma drives them back with the windows rolled down as they enjoy what is probably one of the last of the warm days they’ll have this year. The radio is playing some top 40’s pop songs and in the back of her mind, Alyssa thinks this is what it feels to be like everyone else.

Emma is telling Alyssa a story about something that happened during band practice the other day and Alyssa is happy to simply listen but Emma’s smile is distracting as Alyssa watches her and she wants to lean over and kiss it; she compromises on holding Emma's hand and Emma doesn't mind that she has to drive one-handed.

/

The end up parked on that same spot from weeks ago because there’s still an hour until Alyssa’s has to be back home and they don’t want to end this day just yet.

Alyssa can't tell when was it that they had stopped talking and started kissing but is not like she has the brainpower to process it right now and she doesn’t care as long as they don’t stop.

Emma had been telling her about this new band she had discovered and she had been gesturing her arms around as she spoke and it was adorable because Emma was usually so reserved that it was hard to resist kissing her when she was being like this.

Alyssa also doesn’t know how she ended up sitting astride on Emma’s legs while they kissed but somehow, over the past few weeks, this had become a familiar position for them so she doesn’t question it too much.

It doesn’t take long for her hands to wander underneath Emma’s shirt and she can feel the goosebumps she causes whenever her fingernails graze the soft skin on Emma’s stomach.

Emma’s own hands are holding down low on Alyssa’s waist, just toeing the line between being respectful and not; her thumbs are stroking up and down where Alyssa’s top has been bunched up a little and it’s making her shiver and want to pull Emma closer still.

Alyssa breaks their kiss slowly and leans back as much as she can with the steering wheel on her back just so she can stare at Emma for a moment; she has her eyes closed and her lips half-open and shining and Alyssa feels half hypnotized. 

Emma had tightened her hold on Alyssa’s waist almost instinctively when she had leaned back and Alyssa presses her teeth on her bottom lip as she tries to process her thoughts. She just wanted to press herself ever closer to Emma and never let go; she doesn’t know what to do with that realization.

Instead, she focuses on the way Emma is panting and her own lips still feel wet from their kisses and all at once it simultaneously feels like it's too much for Alyssa and not enough and that's when she comes to a decision.

“Don’t freak out.” She pants slightly, her voice sounding a bit hoarse and Emma opens her eyes to look at her; Alyssa doesn’t resist the urge to kiss her again, though she keeps it brief this time, her mind set elsewhere.

Emma is left looking a little dazed as Alyssa pulls away from the kiss; in her mind, as she thinks about it, it feels like it all happens simultaneously in the blink of an eye, but also in slow motion. Alyssa unhurriedly removes her hands from under Emma's shirt and then she's reaching for the hem of her own top and in a swift motion, it is off and out of her hands.

Emma had meant to ask why would she be freaking out but was made speechless way before she could voice her question.

So maybe she was a freaking out a little bit, but probably not in the way Alyssa had meant. This was very much uncharted territory for them because as much as hands had roamed under shirts and fiddled with bra straps, up until this moment they had always kept their clothes on.

Alyssa holds her breath and chews on her lips as she waits for Emma’s to just do or say something.

“I’m not freaking out,” Emma breaths out slowly, snapping her eyes up to Alyssa’s from the spot it had been glued on before.

“Is this alright?” Alyssa asks hesitantly and her answer comes in the way Emma’s eyes flicker down for a second before finding Alyssa’s and nodding even as she blushes.

“Yeah.”

“You too?” Alyssa holds her breath again, this time half afraid that Emma will say no and push her away but also wondering just how far they can go. Alyssa’s heart is racing on her chest, too fast; so fast that she wonders briefly if Emma can hear it too.

Emma doesn’t answer her though, not with words and Alyssa watches unblinkingly as she slips her arms out of the shirt she’s wearing unbuttoned over her t-shirt, and then the t-shirt is off too and Alyssa is left staring at Emma's light blue bra because she doesn't have the same amount of self-control to avert her eyes as Emma had done.

"Cool." Alyssa breaths out and swallows once, lowering her hands to the bare skin of Emma's waist; it feels so warm and soft underneath her fingers and Alyssa has to hold back the part of her that wants to run her hands over every inch of Emma's skin that she can reach.

“Cool.” Emma parrots and who cares if she sounds out of breath? Her hands find Alyssa’s hips and pull her close and Alyssa takes the hint to lean towards Emma again.

"Good," Alyssa says because for some reason she is unable of keeping her mouth shut right now.

“Yeah,” and then Emma finally bridges the space between them and brings their lips together again and it feels like fireworks are going off on Alyssa's brain and behind her eyelids.

One of Alyssa’s hands finds the back of Emma’s neck and starts to play absentmindedly with the fine hairs she finds there and Emma tries to pull her closer yet, even if there’s hardly any space between them anymore.

Emma is kissing Alyssa with an intensity that matches how she feels inside and Alyssa briefly wonders when was it that they had started kissing like this, but that’s something that she can leave to be analyzed later because right now all she can focus on is how Emma tastes on her tongue when she parts her lips for Alyssa.

Slowly, when she really needs to breathe, Alyssa pulls away because it feels like if she doesn’t then she’ll go up in flames and she watches mesmerized as Emma tries and chase her lips before she catches herself.

“Wha-”  Emma murmurs confused and Alyssa just has to lean on her again to brush their noses together because contradicting everything that had just happened and the fact that neither of them have their shirts on, Emma looked altogether too cute right then and Alyssa had to do something about it.

Emma opens her eyes slowly as if waking up from a trance and Alyssa follows the way her eyes flicker down to stare at her cleavage and pale yellow bra before snapping up to her face again.

With a harsh breath, Emma dramatically bumps her head on the headrest and screws her eyes shut, perhaps to try and keep whatever composure she had left and it makes Alyssa smile.

“Holy shit, Alyssa.” Emma lets out a harsh breath that makes Alyssa chuckle and Emma opens her eyes to stare at her for a moment. “You’re killing me.” She’s the one to press their lips together again and Alyssa’s breath stutters against Emma’s mouth when one of her hands leaves her waist to hold on to her ribs; Emma's fingers feel both soft and burning hot and Alyssa breaks their kiss to leave a trail of open-mouthed kisses down the line of her throat.

She bites down when she gets to Emma’s collarbone and Emma’s fingers grasp harder on her skin, so she does it again just to hear Emma’s choked whimper.

Needless to say, they lose any and all notion of time until Emma's phone vibrates on her pants’ pocket and startles them both; Alyssa has to climb down from Emma's lap for her to be able to reach it. It's a good thing because they need to space so that the fog on their brains can disperse a little.

Emma fishes her phone from her pocket but then just stares unfocused at it for a couple of seconds before her brain catches up and she remembers that she has to unlock it.

Alyssa is gazing forward through the windshield and trying very hard to make her brain work properly again.

"Oh," Emma says and Alyssa turns to find she’s still staring intently at her, though now her eyes are wide and slightly panicked and it makes Alyssa's heart skip a beat as she thinks about all the worst-case scenarios that would cause Emma to make that face.

“What?”

Emma turns her phone around to show Alyssa something and it takes a moment until she can focus properly to read what’s on the screen. It’s just a text from Betsy asking Emma to pick up milk on the way home; Betsy’s not so subtle reminder that is probably close to Emma’s curfew and Alyssa’s eyes snap up to the right corner of the screen to look at the time.

“Shit.” She looks up at Emma again and they are both rooted in place for a moment before they both spring into action to find their clothes and try to make it look like they weren’t just making out shirtless inside Emma’s car.

“It’s okay!” Emma announces high pitched not at all convincing when she is done fixing her t-shirt. “We can totally get you home before your curfew.”

Alyssa sighs and Emma turns to look at her as she runs a hand through her hair and tries to settle her nerves. She has no doubt that Emma could get her home in fifteen minutes, but that would mean driving past the speed limit and Emma just got her driver’s permit and that wouldn’t be good for her; not to mention dangerous.

Coming to a decision, Alyssa finds her own phone to send a text to her mom and tries to hope for the best.

“It’s alright, Emma.” She can see Emma’s shoulders relax and the hold she has on the steering wheel slack. “I’m just going to make up something to tell my mom.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Emma turns on the ignition and reverses out of the spot she had parked and they drive in silence for a while, neither of them knowing what to say or how to say it.

Alyssa wants to laugh at the insanity of it all because five minutes ago she was kissing her girlfriend without a care in the world and now she's trying not to panic as she thinks about what could happen if her mom found out she was lying about who she was with. She can tell Emma is worried too, by the way she's frowning and trying to focus too hard on the road; but she doesn't know what to say that can make them relax now.

“Erm,” Emma clears her throat and steals a quick glance at Alyssa after a few minutes of tense silence. “I forgot about it yesterday,” she points awkwardly to the glove box with one hand, “I bought some M&Ms because I thought your stash might be running low? It's in the glove box." She sounds a bit unsure even as she’s trying to look nonchalant but Alyssa can see through the facade and it makes her smile a little.

Sure enough, when Alyssa opens the glove box there's one of those family-sized packs of M&Ms and Alyssa smiles a bit bigger even as she shakes her head. Her "stash", as Emma had referred to it, was simply an unassuming shoebox that she kept hidden behind all the others and used to hide all the _illegal_ candy and chocolate Emma provided to her.

It was no secret that Mrs. Greene was a little obsessed with keeping track of Alyssa's weight; she had been a chubby kid, not super overweighted or anything, but at some point her mom had decided that that was no longer acceptable and thus all the food in the house turned green and healthy and any form of sugar was banned.

It’s not like she made Alyssa starve or anything like that; it just so happened that all the food that her mom had deemed healthy and acceptable _sucked._

She hadn't dared to tell any of her friends that though, for some reason. The only person she had told this had been Emma, back when they had been only friends still. Emma then had taken it upon her to fix this as much as she could, and thus she became Alyssa’s sole provider of any and all kinds of “unhealthy” foods _and_ chocolate.

Alyssa stares at the chocolate for a moment, musing about Emma's gesture for a moment.

It was something that Emma has always done; Alyssa doesn't have to ask her and she never asks for anything in return, but now as she thinks about it, it kind of makes her heart melt a little, as if this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for her; in a way, it is.

Throughout their relationship Alyssa has found a lot of things about Emma; things like how she always hums to whatever song they were listening, no matter who is singing. Or how she likes to cut up her pasta in tiny little pieces before eating it, like a baby; she loves country songs more than she likes to admit.

But the most important thing Alyssa has learned about Emma since they had become friends and then more, is just how thoughtful she always is when it comes to Alyssa.

And maybe this is because of all the emotions still coursing through her even as her heart have calmed down a little, but Alyssa can't stop thinking about all the things she had wanted to say to Emma but backed down before actually saying it.

Things like _you’re my best friend,_ or _you’re the only person I can be myself with._ Maybe even _you know me better than anyone else._ She never said any of this though, because she was scared of a lot of things; because she didn’t know _how_ to say it without making herself too vulnerable.

Alyssa had just stopped lying to herself a little while ago; she was still learning to be honest with herself and the others.

Right now though, as she looks at the logo on the packet of M&Ms she’s still holding and things over how much her life has changed since that day Emma had offered her a shirt, there's something else she thinks she wants to say.

She thinks she loves Emma and she thinks she should say it even if she can’t comprehend how she came to this conclusion or why it has taken so long to realize that that’s what this is.

Instead, she bites the inside of her cheek and what comes out of her mouth is just “you’re kind of amazing, did you know that?” And she hopes that Emma can understand that she’s saying more than that.

Alyssa can’t see it in the dark interior of the truck, but she has made Emma blush.

“It’s just candy.” Emma steals a quick glance at Alyssa and smiles a little embarrassed because Alyssa knows that Emma doesn’t know how to receive compliments.

“It’s- I mean, it’s not that. Not just that.” Alyssa looks away, “I’m just lucky that I have you, you know?” She finishes her clumsy declaration in a low voice and stares straight ahead instead of looking at Emma, and she hopes that Emma knows.

“I-” Emma starts but stops herself and stays quiet for a moment, “I’m the lucky one here.” She murmurs and this Alyssa understands.

“I guess we’re both lucky then,” she smiles at the thought.

/

Alyssa starts to recognize the streets in her neighborhood and knows their day together is coming for an end.

“Today was good, right?” Alyssa presses her teeth on her bottom lip as she thinks over the day they had spent and tries not to feel too flustered as she remembers what they were doing earlier that evening.

“I liked it,” Emma answers and this time Alyssa can see the red on her cheeks as they pass under a street light, she clears her throat awkwardly and Alyssa smiles. She thinks briefly that her face should be hurting by now with how long she had spent smiling that day. “Today was fun. And tonight,” Emma continues, “We definitely should do that again. At some point. I mean if you want to." She snaps her mouth shut and Alyssa resists the urge to laugh.

“We should.” She agrees and chews on her lips thinking about when could they have another opportunity to spend a day like this again.

Alyssa sees the shirt Emma was wearing over her tee earlier still bunched up behind her back on the seat and she pulls on it when Emma stops at a red light a few blocks from her street.

It's a black, short-sleeved shirt with tiny pineapples printed on it that, by all means, should be tacky, but it's actually quite cute and Alyssa can't help but put it on over her top. It’s not something Emma wears usually and Alyssa thinks she must have had gotten it over the summer.

She's already rolling on the sleeves so they're even shorter when Emma steals a quick glance at her and notices what she is doing, Alyssa can see Emma shaking her head though she is biting on her lower lip in that way Alyssa knows she only does when she's trying not to smile and it makes her feel a little warm inside.

"Can I drop you on the corner? It's dark enough that I don't think anyone will see it's me driving and I don't want you to walk two blocks to get here when I can just stop here anyway?"

"It's alright," Alyssa tells Emma, fiddling a bit with the shirt's collars; any other time she wouldn't think this was a good idea, but like Emma's said, it's dark and there's no one on the streets to see it's Emma's car she's leaving and besides, she's already late enough that she knows with every minute that passes she's getting more in trouble, even if she had sent her mom a text warning her that she was going to miss her curfew.

"It looks good on you," Emma says when Alyssa is about to climb down the truck and they lock eyes for a moment. There's a glint on Emma's eyes as she stares at Alyssa and the smile on her face is so soft that it makes Alyssa melt a little as she clutches her bag to her chest, her pack of M&Ms safely hidden inside it.

Alyssa can't think of anything to say to that so instead she blows Emma a kiss and winks at her in that way that always makes Emma blush a little and tries to hold on to how she's feeling right now, just a little longer, because she knows what she's going to face when she steps into her house.

Mrs. Greene barely even waits for Alyssa to come inside before she starts her tirade, though she stops on her tracks when she notices what Alyssa is wearing and Alyssa even had this whole excuse prepared but her mom doesn’t give her a chance to talk.

"Is this Johnathan's shirt?" Her mom asks with something that Alyssa can only describe as a manic look on her eyes. "I think I saw him wearing it at the grocery store the other day."

And then Alyssa realizes what that look on her mom's face means. It's the same one she gets whenever Alyssa so much as mention any boy's name; like she was already planning their wedding and Alyssa tries to hold on to the long-suffering sigh she wants to let out.

"It's from one of the girls on the squad," she lies before her mom can actually voice what she is thinking. "She got it from an aunt for her birthday last week and didn't like it and I said it was kind of funny so she gave it to me." She finishes, having long ago mastered the perfect way to sound both bored and petulant in a way that always manages to ruffle her mother's feathers enough that will shift her focus back into berating-Alyssa-mode.

It’s a tactic she usually tries to avoid in fears that her mom will realize what she is doing, but it’s helpful when she’s trying to get away with a lie.

She can see it has worked on the way her mom's lips are pursing and sure enough she is back into lecturing Alyssa about rules and responsibilities and _blah blah blah._

/

Alyssa opens her phone to find a few texts from Emma when her mom is finally done and she’s allowed to escape to her room.

The first text is just her telling Alyssa that she has gotten home, but the second is a selfie of Emma frowning and pulling a little on the collar of her t-shirt with a hand so Alyssa can spot the couple of marks she has left there earlier.

Under the picture, it says _i think you might be a vampire_ and Alyssa snorts out loud.

_afdhlkahfg  
maybe i am ;)_

She quickly sends back and lies down on her back on the bed to wait for Emma’s reply.

_i thought you were over your twilight phase?_

Alyssa grin widens and she grips her phone with both hands; sometimes she forgot how much of a dork Emma can be.

 _will you be the edward to my bella then_  
_wait_  
_whos gonna be jacon_  
_jacob_  
_no dont tell me_  
_or ill be forced to murder them_  
_bc im the strongest obvs_

 _youre a nerd_  
_and im not telling you anyway_  
_were gonna run away together_

_noooooo_

_your sparkling skin is the reason im going blind  
i have to save myself_

_but babe  
thats why sunglasses were invented_

Emma doesn’t reply immediately and Alyssa closes her eyes as she waits and thinks about their day with a smile. She thinks about the ice cream cones they had eaten, and the movie they had watched while holding hands and later too, when they were inside Emma’s truck and her heart skips a beat at the memory.

Then she remembers that Emma has also missed her curfew and wonders what Betsy’s reaction to that had been.

_i forgot to ask if betsy was too  
mad with you when you got home_

_not really_  
_you know how grandma is like_  
_but i got in trouble for forgetting to buy the milk_

_sorry_

_not your fault  
also, so worth it ;)_

_So worth it,_ is the last thing Alyssa thinks as her heart flutters inside her chest before she drifts off to sleep still clutching her phone to her chest.

* * *

 

Over time, a vast array of Emma clothes makes their way into Alyssa's closet; all sort of clothes, really. From the striped socks she has burrowed once for some reason, to shirts and t-shirts and sweaters and even a red knit hat that Emma had bought and only worn once before Alyssa claimed it.

And is not like Alyssa deliberately planned to keep stealing Emma’s clothes; it just sort of kept happening and she just went with it. Though was it really _stealing_ if Emma was always gladly lending her clothes to Alyssa when she well knew that it was very likely that she would never get them back?

The thing about Emma’s clothes that Alyssa finds so fascinating is not that they always smell like her at first. Not only that, anyway.

When she’s wearing Emma’s clothes, Alyssa likes that she can feel as if she’s still inside Emma’s arms and then she can feel a bit like herself when she has to pretend to be someone else for everyone’s sake.

But besides that, it just feels good to have something tangible for her to cling on when everything else has to stay hidden; when everything else just sucks and feels fake, she can remember that at least this part of her life is real.

It sounds a bit silly, but also _not._

Alyssa likes to take any opportunity to wear something from Emma's wardrobe simply because she can; she has worn that first flannel so many times since Emma lent it to her a million years ago that it sort of feels like it's the most worn-out thing in her closet, but not even that can stop Alyssa from still wearing it whenever she can.

* * *

 

Emma unceremoniously drops her backpack on the floor behind the door as soon as she steps inside home and Alyssa is left to close the door as Emma makes a beeline to the living room and dramatically flops face down on the couch with a groan.

Alyssa follows behind with an amused smile as she watches her girlfriend’s antics.

“You should at least take off your shoes.” Alyssa chides and sits on the arm of the couch by Emma’s feet, letting her own backpack fall down to the floor in a much more graceful manner.

Emma’s _no_ is muffled by the fabric of the couch because she doesn’t bother to lift her head to answer Alyssa.

Not expecting Emma to say anything else, Alyssa simply grabs on one of Emma's high tops and starts to undo the laces with a long-suffering sigh that has no bite to it whatsoever due to the fond smile that she has on her face at the moment.

Today had been a long day. Too long and it was barely three in the afternoon yet. There were just too many things and projects to get done and the day had dragged on and on while the teachers droned about deadlines and what else.

Plus, there was the fact that neither of them hadn’t had near enough sleep the night before, which just made this whole day seems like it would never end as they struggled to not fall asleep during any of their classes.

They had stayed up on the phone with each other way past what would have been a reasonable time to go to sleep on a school night because both of them refused to be the one to say goodnight first and stop their conversation.

They weren’t talking about anything important; it was just one of those times when you simply didn’t want to stop talking with someone because you liked them too much; so they kept finding things to talk about just so the conversation would keep going.

“Thanks.” Emma sighs when Alyssa is done taking her shoes off for her, having turned her head just enough so she can speak clearly, though she keeps her eyes closed. “What do you wan- _oof!”_

Emma’s words are cut off as she has the air literally knocked out of her lungs when Alyssa drops herself down on top of her back without any warning.

“This is abuse.” Emma wheezes out when she feels like she can breathe again; not that she’s actually bothered; Alyssa’s weight on top of her feels nice and warm when she stops wiggling to get comfortable and Emma thinks that she could easily fall asleep like this.

"You looked comfy," Alyssa answers with her head buried somewhere on Emma's shoulder.

“I was.”

“ _Shhhh._ Let's take a nap." Alyssa whispers and shifts a little until she's only half lying on top of Emma and her back is resting against the couch's backrest, her legs get tangled with Emma's and Alyssa sighs contently.

“Are you done yet?” Emma asks a bit strangled and Alyssa wiggles a little more just to annoy.

“Now I am.”

Emma huffs a little, but she speaks again after a moment, “this is nice.”

“Yeah.” Alyssa has her eyes closed already and can’t be bothered to think of anything else to say; she can feel the weight of the day leaving her as she starts to relax a little.

"Just a quick nap," Emma mumbles.

"Half an hour tops." Alyssa agrees and Emma shuffles a little bit until she can free her arm to wrap it around Alyssa's waist. “Very nice.” Alyssa nuzzles in the crook of Emma's neck where she can smell Emma's shampoo and that's how she falls asleep.

Emma can feel herself smiling as she hears Alyssa’s breathing slow down to a steady rhythm and it doesn’t take too long for her to drift off too.

/

They wake up three hours later. And only because Betsy makes a lot of noise as she comes inside singing for herself.

"Very nice of you girls to join me on the land of the living," Betsy says loudly, noticing Alyssa’s open eyes as she makes her way to the kitchen through the living room. “It’s good to see you, Alyssa. Emma, you snore!” She throws over her shoulder with a smirk and then she’s gone, into the kitchen and out of view and Alyssa tries not to laugh.

"Do not," Emma grumbles, too soft for Betsy to hear it and Alyssa chuckles, snuggling closer into her warmth.

“What time is it?” Alyssa asks after a few moments, too warm and cozy to move from her place on Emma’s neck to go and find her phone.

Emma opens one eye to look at the clock on the wall but realizes she’s not wearing her glasses.

“ _Almost six,"_ Betsy shouts somewhere from the kitchen and Emma sighs, knowing what Alyssa is going to say next before she has even said it.

“I have to go.” Alyssa sighs too, grudgingly starting to disentangle their legs.

“I don’t wanna move.” Emma whines, tightening her grip on Alyssa’s waist and making it harder for her to keep trying to move.

“ _Em_.” Alyssa scolds with a tone that can only be described as fondly exasperated.

“ _’Lyssa_.” Emma retorts in the same tone, still not moving. “Fine,” she sighs after a beat when Alyssa doesn’t say anything else but she can feel the way she’s staring sharply at her. “I’ll drive you.”

Alyssa, in reply, places a chaste peck on Emma cheek and Emma can feel the way she smiles against her skin; it makes her smile too.

“That’s why I keep you around.” Alyssa finally manages to free her legs and sit up on the couch, waiting for Emma to do the same.

“And here I thought it was because of my looks and mad guitar skills.” Emma ungracefully rolls to her feet and offer a hand to help Alyssa up.

"Eh, that too, I guess," Alyssa says as nonchalantly as she can as she accepts Emma offered hand and tries not to smile like an idiot at her girlfriend.

“Ugh, to be young and flirting with my girlfriend in front of my elderly grandmother.” Betsy interrupts them loudly as she steps back into the living room, staring them down with a severe expression on her face even if it’s ruined by the way her eyes glint with mischief.

In the short while since she has passed them on the living room and went into the kitchen she somehow managed to get an apron on and then floor all over it and on her face too and Alyssa has to stop herself from commenting on it; Betsy was just too damn lovable for her own good sometimes.

“I take it you’re not staying for dinner, Alyssa? I’m making homemade pizza.” She adds in the hopes of making Alyssa stay, lifting an eyebrow up.

"Sorry, not tonight, Betsy," Alyssa says genuinely regretful. "I have to be home before my mom."

“Yeah yeah. Next time then.” Betsy smiles at her.

"Next time," Alyssa repeats, knowing very well that next time she came over Betsy would probably cook enough food for a battalion, which Alyssa wasn't going to complain about because Betsy was probably the best cook in the whole world.

/

“I can’t believe we just spent the only day we had to ourselves this whole week _napping,"_ Emma whines as she parks her truck a couple of blocks away from Alyssa’s house.

Alyssa looks up and down the street to make sure there’s no one watching them before she leans into Emma’s space to place a not so chaste kiss against her lips. “Totally worth it.” She mumbles on Emma’s mouth and then captures Emma bottom lip between her teeth and tugs slightly.

Emma is too dumbstruck to actually form a reply before Alyssa has opened the door and climbed out of the truck with a smirk on her face.

* * *

 

Alyssa is the one to bring it up one day when they’re in the band closet before Emma has to go and meet the rest of the band to practice.

"You're evil," Emma says when Alyssa finally disconnects her mouth from her neck and leans away just far enough to stare at Emma for a moment. Emma is panting a little bit and she looks so dazed that all Alyssa wants to do is go back to what she was doing.

She doesn't though; instead, she takes in a deep breath and tries to remember how she had planned on bringing the subject up with Emma.

“Em?” She calls softly, pressing her teeth on her bottom lip and Emma’s eyes focus on her; Alyssa loves how Emma’s attention shifts immediately upon noticing Alyssa’s tone.

“What’s wrong?” The hold she had on Alyssa’s waist softens and her thumbs start to brush back and forth; Alyssa isn’t even sure that Emma realizes what she is doing but is soothing.

“Nothing’s wrong.” She pauses and Emma waits, still not convinced that there isn’t something wrong. “Remember when we talked about, um” she clears her throat once before continuing. “How we were not ready for…” Alyssa tries again, trailing off before saying the words, “did you ever think about it after that?” She clears her throat feeling awkward at her own words.

She is pretty sure that talking about sex with the girl you’ve been dating for almost eleven months shouldn’t feel this awkward.

Yet here she is.

Alyssa watches as Emma tilts her head and stares at the wall with unfocused eyes for a moment before it dawns on her what Alyssa was trying to say. Alyssa can pinpoint the exact moment it happens because that’s when Emma starts to blush all the way from her neck to the tips of her ears, and if Alyssa hadn’t been so nervous she would surely have found it cute.

“Oh. _Oh.”_ By now she is so red that Alyssa starts to worry a little bit.

“I-yeah.” Alyssa clears her throat again and all of sudden it feels like they’re too close, and Alyssa needs to scoot away from Emma little bit, it’s not like she can go too far on the crate they were sharing anyway; distractedly Alyssa thinks about how usually the general sentiment is that they are never close enough.

“I mean,” Emma squeaks, “I’ve thought about it?” It sounds more like a question than a real answer but Alyssa knows what she means, even if Emma is pointedly avoiding looking in her direction. Her face is bright red and Alyssa fears hers isn’t doing much better.

"Me too," Alyssa adds quickly and Emma turns to look at her at last.

“You’ve never done it before, right?” And the way she asks it, out of all things, is what finally breaks up the tension that had been building between then and makes Alyssa smile.

“Emma,” Alyssa laughs a little bit, feeling a bit lighter than when the conversation started. “You were the first person I’ve ever kissed.”

“Oh. _Right.”_

“You knew that too.” Emma nods along and goes to pick up Alyssa’s hand on hers so she can laces their fingers together, finally cracking a smile. “You?”

Emma quickly shakes her head and Alyssa remembers something, her stomach churning uncomfortably at the thought. “What about that girl you dated?” She asks in a small voice and looks away; it takes a moment for Emma to understand what she’s talking about.

Everyone at their school knew about it because a few kids from their grade went to the same camp Emma did and they all had heard about it.

One of the camp's counselors had walked in on Emma and another girl kissing one night and of course, the middle-aged woman hadn't taken it well and made a scandal out of it; and this is how Emma had been ripped out of the closet and kicked out of her house.

They had never talked about it though; Alyssa never felt like asking and Emma had never brought the subject up either.

Emma shook her head and looked away again, “we were thirteen,” she tells Alyssa eventually. “We had met the year before and become friends so we were very close that year. We only kissed a few time before…” she trails off and Alyssa nods her understanding.

She scoots closer so there’s no space between them and rests her head on Emma’s shoulder while they both are quiet for a moment.

"Did you like her?" Alyssa asks so quietly that if Emma hadn't been sitting so close she wouldn't be able to hear it. She doesn't know why she asks it though, because imagining Emma kissing someone else that isn't her makes her feel like someone is squeezing her heart, so she holds on to Emma's hand a bit tighter.

"I think I had a crush on her?" She asks as if she weren't completely sure and Alyssa nods. “Though I did enjoy kissing her.” She adds as an afterthought, shrugging the shoulder Alyssa isn’t resting her head on.

“Hey!” Alyssa pulls away and pokes Emma on the thigh once, with her free hand.

“Not as much as I enjoy kissing you!” Emma amends playfully with a laugh as she grabs Alyssa’s hand on hers to stop herself from being poked again.

Before Alyssa can retort with something, the alarm Emma had set on her phone goes off reminding them that they have to leave soon and Alyssa sighs.

She moves to get up from the crate but doesn’t let go of Emma’s hands and they both take a moment to look at each other. Emma has the same look on her face that she always has when she’s with Alyssa, a mix between awe and something else soft that Alyssa can’t place. She imagines it’s the same look she has sometimes when she stares at Emma too.

How no one has figured they’re together yet is beyond understanding.

“We’re gonna finish this conversation later, right?” Alyssa chews on her lips and Emma nods her head, getting up too and placing a chaste kiss on the corner of Alyssa’s mouth.

"I want it if you do." Emma murmurs against Alyssa's lips, not pulling back and Alyssa smiles shyly at her words, relieved that they seem to be on the same page. "I mean," Emma continues, pulling away the tiniest bit to be able to look at Alyssa. "I think I'm ready."

"Me too," Alyssa adds breathlessly as her heart pounds. “I want it with you,” she says quietly, gazing into Emma’s eyes as they crinkle when she smiles. It’s all the reassurance she needs.

/

They don’t really get a chance to have a moment for themselves for a while after the conversation besides the brief moments they got to steal at the band closet, not until almost three weeks later anyway.

Betsy asks Emma one Friday while they're having dinner if Emma’s going to visit some relatives with her the next weekend. Emma had forgotten about it; this is a trip they make almost every year before Thanksgiving and Emma actually likes it because her great-aunt and cousins are usually very nice to her and she enjoys the time she spends with them.

She's almost telling her Grandma that can drive them this year when it clicks what this could mean for her and Alyssa and she quickly comes up with an excuse school-related; Betsy squints at her for a second before smiling and changing the subject and Emma lets out a relieved breath.

She texts Alyssa when she’s done with the dishes and chews on the inside of her cheek as she waits for a reply; it feels like she doesn’t breath for the whole four minutes it takes Alyssa to answer her.

/

The air feels charged as soon as Alyssa climbs into Emma’s truck parked a couple of streets away from her house; there’s a sort of tension between them that in a way has been there since the day they had had the talk but now is even more pronounced.

Feels a lot like anticipation and Alyssa bites her lip as she watches Emma drive.

Emma picks up a pizza on the way to her house while Alyssa waits in the car; there are butterflies in her stomach and she feels nervous but in a good way. Emma smiles at her as she walks back to her truck with the pizza box on her hands and the knot that had formed on Alyssa's stomach undoes a little, because of all the people in the world she is glad Emma is the one beside her right now.

She clasps Emma's hand on hers when she passes Alyssa the pizza and holds on tight as Emma drives one-handed to her house.

It's still early in the evening and Emma takes Alyssa backpack to her room as she chooses a movie for them like she always does. They settle on the couch with paper plates, soda cans, and a blanket while the movie plays on the TV in front of them.

But they had decided to let whatever was going to happen, to happen naturally. If it happens then it happens; if it doesn’t then it is okay too, no need to rush things. That’s what they had said.

Slowly, as the movie goes on, they manage to relax and go back to the easiness they always found when around each other and it's funny how things happen after that, because one moment they're discussing something silly some character has just done and then the next Alyssa is kissing Emma and nothing outside their little bubble matters anymore.

It's slow and soft at first, a bit hesitant like their kisses used to be when they first got together, Emma's hand comes to hold on Alyssa's cheek and that's how they stay for a while as the moves drones on in the background.

Alyssa pulls back for a moment to catch her breath, just for a second but Emma keeps her eyes closed and Alyssa tries to take a mental picture of this moment so she can remember later just how she was feeling right this instant.

Soon her hands are wandering under Emma’s button-down, her fingernails scratching slightly up and down the soft skin of Emma’s stomach as she sits astride Emma’s legs.

It’s a position they had become incredibly familiar with, so much so that Alyssa knows exactly what comes next.

Most of the time, Emma is always the first one out of her shirt, it seems, because Alyssa is always the most impatient one, though her own top is soon to follow and she bites her lips as Emma’s hands roam on her skin.

It's when her hands land on the top of Emma's jeans that they get into truly uncharted territory.

Alyssa breaks their kiss slowly and leans away a bit to be able to look at where her hands are, she sounds out of breath and Emma draws in a big gulp of air as she follows Alyssa’s eyes down. They are both silent because they have never been here before and suddenly everything feels much more real than it ever was before.

Alyssa can see the way Emma’s chest is heaving and how her own breath sounds shallow and ragged; she looks up to Emma’s face to find that her eyes are already on Alyssa and the silent question hangs in the air between then.

Emma nods her head once and Alyssa pops the button after a beat; the sound of her heart beating is too loud on her ears and she wonders if Emma can hear it too.

“Wait!” Emma whispers loudly with her eyes wide and Alyssa’s thoughts skid to a halt; she pulls her hands back so fast that she almost topples over and the only reason she doesn’t is because of Emma’s hands on her waist.

Emma looks at her sheepishly when Alyssa straightens herself. "Sorry." Alyssa nods confusedly, a little scared that she has done something to scare or hurt Emma; her heart is beating so fast that it feels like it has actually stopped. "I just-" Emma breathes, "do you want to upstairs? To my room, I mean?”

Alyssa giggles with relief when her brain finally catches up to Emma's words and she leans down to hide her head in the crook of Emma's neck because she really had thought that she had done something wrong. "Okay." She whispers on the skin there and Emma hugs her a little tighter as if she knows what Alyssa had been thinking.

/

The door to Emma’s bedroom is open and it’s dark inside. Emma leans against the door jamb and Alyssa pushes herself close until there isn’t any space between them.

“Are you nervous?” Alyssa asks softly; she can see every inch of Emma’s face from how close they are and for a moment it’s like she is seeing Emma for the very first time, so she stares. Had Emma’s hazel eyes always been this clear? Her eyes instinctively flicker down to Emma’s lips and she wonders if they always have been this pink too.

“Are you?” Emma asks just as softly and Alyssa is shaken out of her thoughts.

“Yeah.”

Emma's face softens and Alyssa relaxes a little. “Me too.” She murmurs.

“Do you want to stop?” Alyssa presses her teeth down on her bottom lip and watches Emma shake her head. “Emma?” She presses on, suddenly needing to hear Emma say it.

“I don’t.” There’s a pause that feels charged and then, “do you?”

Alyssa smiles a little, “I don’t, too.” Her voice sounds soft and Alyssa thinks that somehow, at some point they have entered a world of their own where everything feels special and significant.

Emma’s hand lifts from its place on Alyssa’s hip and pulls on the back of her neck until their noses are touching and Alyssa can feel her whispering something against her lips, but then they are kissing before she can figure it out what it was.

Emma tastes like the orange soda they had been drinking earlier and everything around them smells like her, and every other thought that isn't about Emma goes flying out of Alyssa's head.

/

Emma is lying on her back with Alyssa’s her resting on her upper chest and playing with a lock of her hair, curling and uncurling it on her finger. Alyssa can hear the way Emma heart is still hammering inside her chest and knows hers is much the same.

Alyssa draws lazy circles on the skin of Emma’s tummy with the tip of her finger, barely touching the skin; around Emma’s bellybutton and up until her finger is just underneath Emma’s breast under the covers and then down again.

It sort of tickles and makes Emma’s stomach flutter in a funny way, but she is too comfortable and it feels too nice for her to ask Alyssa to stop.

Emma is the first to move a bit later when their hearts have calmed down a bit and Alyssa feels so soft and warm that she’s almost falling asleep, she is confused for a moment when Emma starts to disentangle their limbs and refuses to let go of the hold she has on one of Emma’s hand until she is assured that Emma is only going to get them something to wear.

The only light comes from the fairy lights on the wall that washes everything in a soft yellow glow and Emma can fell Alyssa’s eyes following her as she walks the few steps from her bed to the dresser; she does her best to squash the small part of herself that feels self-conscious.

And although Alyssa has a perfect backpack full of her own clothes, including a nice pair of her own pajamas somewhere in this same room, she still takes the boxer shorts and faded Beatles t-shirt that Emma hands her after she is dressed too.

Emma slips under the covers and Alyssa immediately cuddles closer to her, fisting the soft fabric of Emma’s tee in one hand and relaxing further when she feels Emma’s arm hug her around the waist. They talk softly about the stars on Emma ceiling for a few minutes before they drift off just like this.

Alyssa doesn't change out of the t-shirt the next morning while Emma cooks a proper breakfast for both of them and she takes it home with her when she leaves in the early afternoon; Emma doesn’t seem to mind.

/

It both feels like nothing has changed and like everything is different after that night.

They’re still the same, but it also feels like they have become closer too; as Alyssa takes stock of how she’s feeling she thinks that it would be weird to not feel like that, because how could they not?

It makes Alyssa week in the knees and causes the butterflies on her stomach to riot as she thinks about it the next night while she lies on her bed wearing Emma’s t-shirt, because if it felt hard to keep herself from saying the three words always on the tip of her tongue whenever Emma was near, after last night it’ll probably be impossible to keep holding them back.

As her phone pings with Emma’s goodnight text followed by a heart emoji that makes her heart flutter, Alyssa wonders why is she still waiting to say it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter got to 17k before I decided that it would be better to break it in two, the third and last chapter is mostly written already and will hopefully be posted soon. 
> 
> Anyway, i tried to make this less sappy; it didn't work but I hope you guys enjoyed it anyway :D


	3. head in the clouds but my gravity’s centered

Alyssa comes over to Emma’s one afternoon in April directly after she’s done with her meeting with the debate club; her mom thinks she’s going out to eat with the rest of the team, but she’s just too tired and just wants to be able to relax and do nothing for a while.

Betsy is the one to open the door when she knocks and she smiles warmly as soon as she sees it’s Alyssa, hugging her tightly after she ushers her inside.

After Alyssa’s initial freak out about having someone know about her relationship with Emma, she found out that she actually liked the feeling that came along with having a place where she and Emma didn’t have to hide.

Having Betsy know that she and Emma were dating had made it all the more real in Alyssa’s head, as if now that someone knew it would beit a lot harder to deny or doubt that this was real life and not a dream. And there was also the way Betsy always treated Alyssa; it never failed to make her warm and happy inside because there was someone who knew about their secret and who never faltered, never stopped loving them but instead became their biggest supporter.

It made Alyssa hopeful that there could be more people like Betsy out there; people that could accept their love without judging. Indiana was such a small place with such small people, but if there were more people like Betsy out there then the world couldn’t be that bad of a place, could it?

Betsy’s voice follows Alyssa upstairs saying she’ll be bringing them some snacks in a bit and Alyssa knows that’s Betsy’s code for _keep the door open and don’t traumatize me_ and it makes Alyssa smile even as she shakes her head.

Alyssa knocks on Emma’s door and waits for her to say that she can come in. She knocks again when Emma doesn’t say anything and then just pushes the door open anyway.

Emma is sitting with her legs crisscrossed on the bed, listening to something so loud on her headphones that Alyssa is able to hear it from the doorway, and she is so focused on whatever is it she’s looking at on her laptop that it takes her a moment to realize someone else is in the room with her.

Emma jumps a little when she looks up to find Alyssa looking at her already and Alyssa smirks at the look on her face.

“Shit, you scared me.” She tells Alyssa a bit too loudly and then winces, hitting pause on the keyboard and stopping the music before pushing the headphone out of her ears and letting it rest around her neck.

“That thing is gonna make you go deaf,” Alyssa quips. “I’m gonna borrow a t-shirt,” she informs Emma as she turns on her heels and makes a beeline to the dresser on the other side of the room; she can feel Emma’s eyes following her.

"Well, hello to you, too," Emma says after a moment and trying to not let her smile show as she watches Alyssa rummage through her drawers.

"I'll say hi to you in a moment when I'm finally out of this stupid shirt," Alyssa says over her shoulder, waggling her brows playfully at Emma before turning back to the open drawer she’s making a mess of.

Emma looks at what Alyssa’s wearing. It’s a nice dark blue button-up and Emma thinks it looks good on her, but waits for an explanation anyway; they hadn’t made any plans for today and Alyssa hadn’t told Emma she was coming over. Not that she's complaining about it; far from that, her day had just improved a hundred percent.

Alyssa doesn’t bother to go to the bathroom to change when she finally picks something to wear and she is quick to unbutton her shirt and pull it off before slipping Emma’s t-shirt over her head. It’s a simple plain white tee that stops above her thighs but it smells just like all of Emma's other clothes and the scent immediately makes her feel at ease even as she folds her own shirt and sets it on top of the dresser to change into later.

Emma doesn’t try and pretend like she wasn’t staring when Alyssa turns around and finds she looking at her, and although Emma’s smirking, her cheeks are definitely redder than they had been a moment ago.

Alyssa walks over with a smile and eyes narrowed and sit down next to Emma on the bed, shoulder to shoulder and almost no space between them. “Hello to you,” she says, placing a kiss on Emma’s lips.

“Hi,” Emma sighs against Alyssa’s lips; she can feel Alyssa smiling on her mouth before she's kissing Emma again and Emma just knows that she is perfectly aware of what she is doing and how it's making Emma breathless.

“You know,” Emma starts casually when Alyssa pulls back; her voice sounds hoarse and she clears her throat and closes the laptop propped on her legs moving it to the bed instead. “My clothes keep disappearing.” She turns back to Alyssa with a teasing smile and notices the way her lips twitch a little in amusement.

“Spooky,” Alyssa answers looking entirely too smug though she tries to widen her eyes to make herself look innocent.

“Cheeky,” Emma counters, leaning in to steal a quick kiss. “What do I own the pleasure of this visit?”

“Everyone wanted to go out after the debate club meeting and I saw it as the opportunity it was,” Alyssa shrugs and changes the subject; Emma doesn’t press. “I like wearing your clothes,” she smiles and pulls on Emma’s arm until she takes the hint and puts it around Alyssa’s shoulder, hugging her closer.

“Why?” Emma is genuinely curious as she stares down at Alyssa’s head that’s nuzzling on her neck now.

Alyssa hums a little under her breath, mulling over the question in her head as she lifts a hand to fiddle with Emma’s fingers on her shoulder. “I don’t know,” is what she finally tells Emma, turning her head slightly to place a little kiss on the skin where Emma’s neck meets her shoulder. “Your clothes are comfy and they smell like you and I just like it.”

“You like the way I smell,” It’s not a question and Alyssa pulls away a bit to be able to look up at Emma; she finds Emma already smiling down at her in that soft, tender way that makes Alyssa feel a little light-headed because it’s reserved only for her.

“Yeah,” Alyssa’s answer is almost shy and Emma’s smile widens, making her eyes crinkle a bit. “Your smile is pretty and you always smell good,” she shrugs one shoulder and then Emma’s lips are on hers and Alyssa is too busy kissing her back to think of anything else.

It’s a little bit later, however, when Emma has a movie playing on her laptop and they're snuggled together on the bed trying and failing to pay to attention to the characters on the screen that the subject is brought back.

“I like it when you wear my clothes,” Emma says trying to sound nonchalant.

“Good,” Alyssa nods and smiles, squeezing on Emma’s hand she’s holding on her lap. “Because I don’t plan on returning them,” Emma shakes her head but she is laughing and Alyssa remembers something else. “Did you know I still have that first shirt you lent me sophomore year?”

Emma frowns for a moment as if she doesn’t know what Alyssa is talking about; it takes a moment until her face lights up with realization.

“I kept meaning to give it back to you but never came around it,” Alyssa purses her lips thinking about it for a moment. “Actually that’s a lie; I only thought about returning it for a hot second and then decided I wouldn’t.” She's blushing a little when Emma looks at her with a shit-eating grin.

“Hmm,” Emma nods. “Good to know you have always been like this.”

“Shut up,” Alyssa chuckles a bit embarrassed. "It's not every day a cute girl takes off her shirt for you." She looks suggestively at Emma.

Emma rolls her eyes good-naturedly, "and there was me thinking I didn’t have a chance with Alyssa Greene.”

“Interesting,” Alyssa says mock-serious and pulls away a little but doesn’t let go of Emma’s hand. “So what you’re saying is that you always had a crush on me?”

Emma's cheeks redden as she mumbles something that Alyssa can't understand but it doesn't matter as another thought strikes her and she voices it out loud without thinking it over. "Do you think we're going to be that high school couple?”

Emma furrows her brows as she tries to figure out what Alyssa is talking about. “What high school couple?”

Alyssa straightens her back and starts to gesture around with one hand, “the one that actually _survives_ high school and I don’t know-” She huffs a breath, a bit frustrated as if she’s offended that she can’t put in words what she wants to say.

“Ah,” Emma nods seriously, “you mean _that_ high school couple. The one that shows up to their ten year reunion still together and then rubs it on everyone’s faces?” Emma says bemusedly and Alyssa narrows her eyes playfully.

“I meant it more like moving away from their small town and making it out there together,” she counters earnestly. “But yeah, what you said, too.” Alyssa looks down to their joined hands on her lap and it finally dawns on Emma how serious she’s being right now.

“You want that with me?” Emma sounds so baffled that Alyssa has the sudden urge to look into her eyes and somehow make her _see it._

“Yes, Emma.” She pauses, gathering her thoughts. “I know it’s not going to be easy, what with college and all that comes with that. And there’s the huge probability that we’re going to end up in different universities in different states but…” Alyssa takes in a deep breath and tries to focus on not sounding as nervous as she feels. “You’re my best friend. Really, you’re the only person that can always make me smile, no matter what mood I’m in and you’re always there for me, and I- you’re my best friend, Emma.”

Alyssa stops talking and her heart hammers in her chest when she thinks about what she’s really trying to say.

"I love you," it slips out of Emma's lips so effortlessly that Alyssa is amazed for a moment before the words actually register in her brain and she freezes on her spot.

Emma’s eyes go round as soon as the words are out and for a brief moment it looks like she wants to shove them back into her mouth and Alyssa waits with bated breath and heart racing for what Emma’s going to do next.

“I didn’t mean to say that!” Emma says high pitched and then looks startled by her own words and Alyssa can feel her stomach dropping with disappointment. “Wait! I mean, I meant it! I just-” Emma stops talking suddenly as she draws in a deep breath and holds it in, closing her eyes for a second.

“I did mean that;” she says more calmly when she opens her eyes to look back at Alyssa, “I just didn’t mean to let it slip out like this. I’ve been waiting for the right moment to tell you this for so long and you were saying all these things and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I love you. I’m so in love with you, Alyssa.” The last words come out almost in a whisper and Alyssa's mind blanks after this, because _holy shit,_ Emma _loves her_.

“Emma,” Alyssa breaths out a little nervous laughter; she feels giddy as she puts a hand on Emma’s neck and pulls her close until they’re nose to nose and their foreheads are touching. Emma’s eyes are open wide and Alyssa forgets what she wants to say for a second as she stares into them. “I was going to say that first, you stole my thunder.”

“Alys-” Emma’s words are swallowed by Alyssa’s mouth on hers. It’s barely a press of lips actually, but it feels electric even if Alyssa keeps it brief.

“I love you, too,” Alyssa murmurs the words on Emma’s mouth, keeping her close and feeling a warmth on her chest that spreads until it reaches her toes. In that moment she has forgotten all about her crap day and the weight of her mother’s expectations on her shoulders; she’s just Alyssa and that’s Emma, the girl she loves and _who loves her back_ and yeah, sometimes it really can be that simple. “I love you so much, Emma.”

And for just that moment everything is right in the world.

* * *

The thing about Emma Nolan is that a part of her has always been at least a little bit in love with Alyssa Greene.

She remembers middle school when she and Kaylee used to hang out sometimes, and she remembers when Kaylee befriended Alyssa and the three of them had become good friends for a short while.

Everything else had gone downhill since then, but those were good memories.

Emma had learned to keep her head down after that; ignore all the digs and make herself as invisible as she could when the football team or the cheer squad passed by. Before she knew it school would be over and she could move far away from here and pretend none of this ever happened. That’s what Emma kept telling herself.

(Hopefully, Grandma would move with her when she did and she wouldn’t even have to come back to visit.)

The beginning of her sophomore wasn’t as bad as it could have been; it seemed everyone was too busy being self-centered that they forgot a little about Emma. That’s not to say things were _good,_ but there was a sliver of hope there.

And then the impossible had happened and for the first time in a long while, Emma had a friend again. And it was Alyssa; sweet and kindhearted Alyssa that was capable of making Emma’s stomach flip with just a smile.

It took Emma some time to realize how much she actually liked  _liked_ Alyssa.

In a lot of ways, the Peanut Brittle Incident at the end of the school year had been very eye opening; meaning that after that it was kind of hard for Emma to keep denying that her infatuation with Alyssa was a lot more complicated than she initially thought it to be.

But as she realized that, she also realized that she would never have a chance with Alyssa. Not only that, but she _knew_ that if she ever tried to tell Alyssa how she felt she would ruin the only friendship she had had in years. Emma would end up losing Alyssa and what for?

Why couldn’t she be a _normal_ person just for once?

Out of all the people in the world, why did she had to go and catch feelings for her best friend? How pathetic and cliché of her.

She had pulled away from Alyssa after that, because she didn't know what else to do and how to behave and she didn't want to get hurt.

She ignores the part of her that points out she’s hurt anyway because once again she’s all alone and it’s all her fault.

So Emma had done the thing that she had been practicing since her life went to hell in grade eight: just breath; pretend she's somewhere else and bury all those feelings so deep down where she can never find them again.

It was not a good plan. But it had gotten her through the worst of it all so far.

But then Alyssa couldn’t leave it well enough alone, could she? Her and her stupid cheerleader uniform and even stupider smile and she had to ruin all of Emma’s carefully crafted plans of self-preservation.

Just a kiss and Emma was a goner.

Alyssa had to come and show Emma a whole new world of possibilities and only then Emma saw what else life could be like, so much greater than she knew it to be so far.

And for every day a jock would give her hell, there would be Alyssa there to make it better and for a while all was good and Emma was finally _happy._

As Emma drives herself home after leaving the school gym alone she tries to hold back her tears and ignore the way she can feel herself breaking down.

Something else about Emma Nolan is she knew better, and she shouldn’t have let herself forget that all this happiness couldn’t possibly last forever.

* * *

 

Alyssa cries alone in her bedroom after Emma breaks up with her.

She cries and she cries and she cries because there are too many emotions and she doesn’t know what to do with them. She’s feeling too many things at once and she wishes she felt none; more than that, she wishes there weren’t a hole in her heart.

/

Alyssa can remember the first real fight she had with Emma; they only had been dating for a few months and everything was still so new and tentative that at the time it really had seemed like it was the end of the world.

She remembers being angry and hurt and leaving the band closet after she had told Emma that they wouldn’t work out and she remembers regretting her words as soon as she had said them.

Looking back now she couldn’t say what that particular fight had been about, not any of the others fights they had too; because most of the time they were fighting over stupid things that didn’t matter a day or two later. At some point, one of them would cave and apologize first and they would talk and everything would be right in the world again.

Alyssa remembers when they made up after that firs fight and how Emma had kissed her soft and unsteady at first and then hard and so full of intent that it had left they both breathless.

It feels a hundred times worse now than it had been before with any of their fights because Alyssa knows Emma had meant what she said and she knows it's entirely up to her to find a way to fix it and how was that fair?

/

When her mom had parked the car in front of the Elks Club, Alyssa’s had been so nervous that her heart was hammering inside her chest and her hands were sweating. She couldn’t stop trembling slightly despite it being a warm night; there were butterflies of adrenaline in her stomach and she felt slightly nauseous but she had been ready then.

She had prepared herself and she knew what she was going to do and she had all the courage in the world inside herself at that moment.

And then reality came crashing down too quickly for her to even process it properly. She briefly wonders where all that bravery went and how could it have left her so suddenly.

Shelby and Kaylee had found out about her and Emma at some point and they had lied to her. Her mom had lied too and Alyssa wants to know who else. Did all the girls in the cheer squad know about her secret too?

Alyssa had hidden in the bathroom as loud music played and everyone laughed and she tried not to cry; she had been gripping her phone so hard that it hurt but she needed to call Emma and just… just talk to her.

It didn’t take more than a few seconds until Emma picked up the call and then it was even harder to stop herself from crying because Emma sounded so _hurt_ and she was accusing Alyssa of being in on this stupid plan, and how could she have thought Alyssa would do something like this to her?

But worse of all, Emma was asking her. No. Emma was _begging_ Alyssa to come over and keep up their plan anyway and all she was feeling was panic rising inside her and Alyssa just- _she couldn’t._

In the back of her mind, she had wondered how come she had been so ready ten minutes ago but now it felt like all the walls were closing in on her and she couldn’t; she couldn’t and why wouldn’t Emma understand that?

And after all that, she still had to clean herself up and put on a smile and go back out there because she wouldn’t be able to keep hiding in the bathroom forever.

She said no to each and every guy that asked her to dance and ignored her mom telling her to get up and go have fun and was only slightly grateful that Shelby and Kaylee had decided to leave her alone for the rest of the night.

If her mom had noticed her mood on the drive back home, she didn't say anything about it.       

/

Alyssa calls Emma when she gets home and can finally be alone in her bedroom. She calls again when Emma doesn’t pick up and again and again and every time Emma ignores her she feels more panicked, more like crumbling.

She changes out of the stupid dress that her mom had picked months ago and puts on one of Emma’s old flannels; the button on the sleeve had fallen a while ago and she wishes she knew how to sew just so she could fix it now.

Alyssa sends Emma a text asking if she can come over so they could talk when she finally gives up hope that Emma is going to answer any of her calls; she falls asleep on top of the covers while she waits for Emma to reply.

The sunlight wakes up Alyssa way too early the next day because she had forgotten to close her curtains last night; it bothers her only for a moment because when she goes to check the time on her phone there’s a text from Emma and that’s enough to make her feel suddenly wide awake.

Emma tells her they should meet at the school parking lot instead of her house and somehow that just makes Alyssa feels queasy because the school isn’t a place they can talk freely; even if it’s a Sunday and it’ll be empty. But this feels like it’s her only chance to fix all this, to fix things with Emma and she can’t blow it.

In the end, what Emma asks of her is the one thing she doesn’t feel like she’s capable of doing and so she has to watch Emma walk away while her heart breaks and she wonders why can’t she just do one thing right.

/

There’s a part of Alyssa that is so _so_ heartbroken and she can’t believe that everything is actually over; but then there’s also a part of her that has moved from hurt directly into anger because _how dare Emma?_

How long had they been together? Emma _knew_ what her mom was like; knew everything at risk for Alyssa. This was the part of her that wished she could hate Emma, because above it all, what right did she have to pressure Alyssa if she wasn’t ready?

But then she remembers all of the days they had spent going over their plan; imagining all the things they would do once they weren’t hiding anymore and that’s the most traitorous part of herself, the part of her that thinks Emma hadn’t been completely wrong. She had been hurt and she just wanted Alyssa to be on her side.

And maybe, maybe she’ll change her mind, so Alyssa keeps her phone close, just in case.

/

Sunday night the group chat explodes with a million messages coming non-stopping; Alyssa had avoided looking at it since the prom but now it was hard to, what with the way her phone wouldn’t stop buzzing with new notifications. Still, Alyssa only checks it later, right before she goes to bed because whatever it was she just wasn’t in the mood.

The first text is from Shelby, a link from a YouTube video and Alyssa has already decided she won’t click on it when she notices Emma’s names a few times in a few texts as she scrolls down.

She tries her best to ignore the way her heart hurts so much while she watches Emma’s video over and over again. It’s hard, because the pain spreads from her chest and she feels it on her stomach, it makes her a bit nauseous as she processes everything Emma is telling everyone with this song.

So Alyssa tells herself she has to find her bravery again; gather some courage because this time there won't be any more do-overs. 

/

It only clicks in Alyssa’s head that her mom _knows,_ when she’s halfway through trying to come out and her mom snaps at her and then it makes sense. Everything. The prom and her mom’s vendetta against Emma that seemed so personal and Alyssa wonders how long has she known? Did she realize it by herself or had Shelby and Kaylee told her when they found out?

Mrs. Greene was the very definition of a helicopter parent; controlling and smothering and always up and close in everything Alyssa did but never taking the time to really get to know her. There are too many things running through Alyssa’s head for her to focus on only one, and so when her mom tries to start one of her tirades again she snaps too.

She swears and she storms out and _boy,_ if that doesn't feel thrilling. 

At some point, the whole school is back at the gym and her mom still is protesting even though no one else is anymore.  

Shelby even hugs Emma at some point?

Even the other parents had backed off but her mother is still desperately grasping at straws and Alyssa knows what she has to do.

This time when she tells herself to be brave, she actually takes a step forward and then another and when she starts talking her mom can’t stop her. Alyssa doesn’t cave even if she’s still scared.

All she can feel is relief as the words make their way out of her mouth and the weight of the world is finally lifted from her shoulders; as everyone stares at her, the only person she can see is Emma.

_Emma,_ smiling at her because she’s proud, and yeah, it feels great to be Alyssa Greene right now.

/

Emma and Alyssa slip out of the gym at some point later that night when their feet hurt too much and they can’t keep dancing anymore. Alyssa pulls Emma by their joined hands out of the school and to the bleachers by the football field in the back.

There are a few couples scattered around; some talking, some making out but Alyssa ignores all of them as she guides Emma to the middle of the first row and they sit down. She just wants to be alone with Emma for a moment; away from everyone else. But she also knows that there are things that they need to talk about and this feels like a good place because to do it, she doesn’t want to go to the band closet and feel like they’re back into hiding.

Alyssa chews on her bottom lip as she thinks over what she wants to say while Emma is quiet beside her, but she doesn’t let go of Alyssa’s hand so that must be a good sign, right?

“I’m sorry,” Emma is the first to break the silence and Alyssa looks up from the spot she had been focusing on to stare at her .

"I'm sorry, too," Alyssa says softly, squeezing Emma's fingers and hoping with all she has that this conversation won’t end in more heartbreak.

“I mean it,” Emma’s eyes are clear when they find Alyssa’s and she holds her gaze. “I shouldn’t have tried to rush you; it wasn’t fair.”

Alyssa shakes her head, "We had a plan, Emma. I should've been there when you needed me, too.” She sounds chocked up as she says it and Emma scoots over to close the space that still remained between them.

“You’re here now. We’re idiots but we're here now.” Emma’s presses their foreheads together and her free hand comes up to cup Alyssa’s cheek. Her eyes are closed but Alyssa keeps hers open because she doesn’t want to miss anything.

“We did it.” It comes out in a giddy whisper and Emma smiles, bright like the sun.

“We did it.” Emma echoes and Alyssa lets go of her hand to wrap both arms around Emma’s neck and it still feels like they aren’t close enough. “Lys?” Emma opens her eyes to gaze at Alyssa and bites her lip thoughtfully.

“Yes?”

“I love you, too.” She says is a hoarse whisper.

Alyssa has heard Emma say these words to her what must have been a thousand times now and still it never fails to make her feel a bit light-headed and warm inside. It makes her heart soar and she lets out a watery laugh against Emma’s lips. “Does this mean we’re not broken up anymore?”

Emma pulls away a little, wincing, “I’m sorry about that, too.” She pauses for a beat, “will you take me back?”

“Okay,” she smirks and Emma laughs. “But you are forbidden of ever doing that again.” Alyssa tries to say sternly but her smile gets in the way and she bridges the space between their lips before Emma can say anything.

At some point, Emma pulls away from their kiss to slip out of her jacket and Alyssa’s thoughts skid to a halt as she watches, her heartbeat picking up, she forgets where they are for a moment. Emma carefully wraps the jacket over Alyssa’s shoulders a moment later and she feels warm all over watching Emma watch her with that look on her eyes.

Emma pulls Alyssa into another kiss, this one fast and hard but her hands are soft where she’s tugging Alyssa closer by the lapels of her own jacket.

Slowly, everything falls into place and Alyssa, for the first time in her life, finally feels like she’s not a fraud anymore. She feels like she could take on the world and come up victorious as long as Emma doesn’t let go.

/

Alyssa gets home way later that night. Definitely _way_ past her curfew, but just this once she doesn’t care. She can see the lights on the living are on when Emma parks her truck right in front of her house - no need to drop Alyssa a few streets away anymore.

Her heart starts hammering again when she remembers the talk that waits for when as soon as she steps inside but Emma’s hand is warm on hers as she walks Alyssa all the way to the front door and it helps keep her grounded.

“I know you want to talk to her alone,” Emma says quietly, pulling Alyssa into a hug, “but I could wait outside if you wanted. Just in case.” Alyssa wraps her arms tightly around Emma’s back and nuzzles on the crook of her neck, breathing her in as she takes a moment to think about Emma’s offer.

Do you ever know that feeling when you’re hugging the person you love and they’re hugging you back, and it’s warm and safe and you feel like everything is right in the world; like nothing else matters? If Alyssa had her way, she would never let Emma let go of that embrace.

She shakes her head when she finally forces herself to pull away, because she knows Emma would stay there the whole night if Alyssa asked her to. She takes in a deep breath and holds it in for a few seconds before letting it out slowly. “It’s okay. Just- I’ll call you later?” She resists the urge to pull Emma in another hug, but just barely.

“Okay.” One of Emma’s hand trails down Alyssa’s arm until she reaches her hand and she holds it lightly, taking a small step back.

Alyssa smiles and closes the space Emma had just created. Emma’s tie is hanging loosely around her neck and the top buttons of her shirt are unbuttoned and Alyssa uses her free hand to try and at least fix Emma’s collar a little because this had been her own doing after all.

She trails her fingers down the tie slowly, straightening it as she goes until she gets to the hem of Emma’s shirt; she had hastily untucked it earlier just so she could get access to Emma’s skin underneath it and now, as she surveys the state of disarray she had left Emma in, she wishes they had all the time in the world just so she could finish what they had started.

Alyssa pulls Emma to her by her belt buckle and kisses her one last time that night before she really has to let go. She kisses Emma slowly and full of intent and doesn't pull back until they're both out of breath.

“I love you.” She whispers against Emma’s lips.

"I love you, too," Emma says back, just as softly and Alyssa smiles before stealing one last kiss, just because she can, and only then does she take a step back and steels herself for whatever there’s to come once she leaves the safety of Emma’s proximity and walks inside.

Her mom is waiting for Alyssa, sitting in the armchair still in the clothes she was wearing earlier. There's a faraway look in her eyes as she stares unfocused at a random spot on the opposite wall; she doesn't notice Alyssa until she has cleared her throat and she smiles a little at Alyssa before averting her eyes to the mug she's holding in one hand.

Alyssa pulls Emma's jacket tighter around herself as she slowly makes her way into the living room to sit down on the couch opposite her mother.

She sends a quick prayer to whoever is listening and hopes for the best even as she tries to be prepared for what’s probably going to be one of the hardest conversations of her entire life.

Mrs. Greene lets Alyssa go first and they spend a good part of the night simply talking and Alyssa finally feels like her mom is _listening_ to what she has to say.

It’s okay; it’s not as bad as Alyssa feared it would be because at the end of the day her mom still loves her more than anything in the world and Alyssa knows she’s willing to try her best if Alyssa gives her the chance to do so.

* * *

 

"You should come over," Alyssa says before Emma has the chance to say hello when she picks up the call.

“ _What?”_

“My mom is out for the night. Something something about work? I don’t know. Are you coming over already?”

“ _Um, why do you sound out of breath?”_ It’s what Emma asks instead and Alyssa groans and flops down on her bed with a huff.

“I ran upstairs to find my phone and call you. It doesn’t matter. When are you coming over?”

Emma tries to suppress a burst of laughter because Alyssa sounds entirely too impatient and it's cute.

Ever since the second prom almost a whole month ago and Alyssa’s subsequent conversation with her mom, in a strange, but not unwelcome turn of events, a lot of things had begun to change.

For starters, Alyssa would absolutely not be attending Bible Camp this year; instead, she had compromised by taking up an internship in her mom's real state office.

It wasn’t the most fun thing to do during her school break, but it meant that she wasn’t in the middle of nowhere with no way of communicating to the outside world either, so it wasn’t _that bad._

_“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, ‘Lyssa.”_ Emma’s voice pulls Alyssa from her thoughts and she groans on the phone again. “ _Your mom has just started to treat me like I'm a real person and not the incarnation of all evil and I'm not too eager to be murdered if she finds out,"_ Emma adds quickly before Alyssa has a chance to say something else.

Even if she’s exaggerating a little, there’s still some truth to what Emma is saying. Mrs. Greene had been putting into some real effort to get to know and listen to her own daughter better; which meant also getting to know Emma a little since Alyssa had assured her mom that she wasn’t going anywhere any time soon.

In the past month alone Emma had come over for dinner more than a few times and even if the conversation during said dinners had been stilled and awkward it still was progress. Mrs. Greene hadn’t even sneered at her once.

“Emmaaaaaaa,” Alyssa whines. “My mom is driving to another town as we speak right now. She won’t find out, I promise. C’mon, we can watch a movie; I’ll even let you choose.” She pauses for dramatic effect, knowing Emma won’t be able to keep saying no to her forever. “Please, Em? It feels like we hadn’t seen each other in ages and I miss you,” she pouts a little, for good measure, even though Emma can’t see her, and it’s almost like she can hear Emma’s resolve crumbling.

In all fairness, it really felt like she hadn’t seen Emma in ages. Emma had been working part-time at the Applebee's a few days a week to save money and what with Alyssa’s internship sometimes their schedules wouldn’t match.

Alyssa can hear Emma’s sigh on the other end of the line even if she knows she’s smiling too. _“Fine, I’m on my way.”_

“Yes!” Alyssa celebrates loudly and it makes Emma laugh a little. “Don’t take too long, I love you.”

“ _I love you too, Alyssa,"_ Emma says still laughing and Alyssa ends the call with a happy sigh.

_/_

Emma walks to Alyssa’s house instead of driving; it’s late afternoon but still is light outside because it’s Summer and it’s nice. Not too hot, just warm enough, so she leaves her truck parked in front of her own house and makes her way to Alyssa’s neighborhood as she listens to music on her headphones.

“What took you so long?” Alyssa’s says in lieu of hello when she opens the door for Emma, she’s trying to frown but she’s smiling and Emma’s lips twitch in amusement.

“Hello, Emma. How are you? Oh, I’m fine, Alyssa. Thank you for asking. And how are you today?” Emma says sardonically, instead of answering Alyssa’s question, but she still allows it when Alyssa grabs one of her hands and pulls her inside impatiently.

“Yeah, yeah. Hello, Emma.” Alyssa kicks the door close and gently pushes Emma against it to kiss her.

Emma instinctively wraps her arms around Alyssa to pull her closer and that’s where they stay for a while.

“Seriously,” Alyssa breaks the kiss, sounding a bit breathless, “what took you so long?” she kisses Emma again before she can answer, burying her hands on Emma’s hair.

“I walked here?” Emma says when she pulls away to try and catch her breath.

“ _You walked?”_ Alyssa stops midway through placing a kiss on Emma’s neck and pulls back to stare at her like she had grown a second head. “Why would you do that?” She sounds so miffed that Emma falters for a moment.

“I don’t know,” Emma stammers, letting go of Alyssa to wave an arm around. “Because it was nice outside?”

“Okay, _nerd.”_ Alyssa snickers.

“How come I’m a nerd if-” The rest of her sentence is lost as Alyssa interrupts her with another kiss, this one sweet and brief and she pulls back to nuzzle in the crook of Emma's neck.

“I missed you.” She sighs on Emma’s skin, making her shiver a little.

They had seen each other just three days ago, but Emma doesn’t point that out because she had missed Alyssa too. Even if the job she had taken at the Applebee’s was necessary so she could save money, the days they couldn’t see each other still sucked because college was just upon them and maybe they just wanted to make the most of it, just in case.

Alyssa was going to Columbia in September; she had received the letter right before they graduated, she had even gotten a partial scholarship. But Emma was still undecided; she had applied last minute to a few colleges and she hadn’t heard back from them yet.

It was a very real possibility that they could end up on different sides of the country came Fall; especially since Alyssa knew how much Emma wanted to go to San Francisco. It was all she had talked about ever since the beginning of senior year when their teachers brought up the subject of college.

“I missed you too,” Emma mumbles on Alyssa’s hair and pulls her in a tight embrace.

/

Emma pays for the pizza because neither of them is interested in eating the dinner Mrs. Greene left for Alyssa to reheat and they eat on the couch while Emma chooses a movie. And much like most of the other times when they had tried to watch something, they end up getting distracted halfway through it.

Alyssa’s lips taste like cherry chapstick when Emma kisses her and she can’t help but want more and more until they are both breathless and a little dazed and yeah, Emma was very glad she had disregarded Mrs. Greene rule of no girlfriend home when Alyssa was alone.

/

Emma doesn’t know where she’s at first when she wakes up; she has no idea where her glasses are so she can’t see much as she looks around; the light is coming from the wrong side of the room but it feels like it’s already late in the morning. Her eyes start closing again by their own accord and she feels too warm and comfy to fight it.

She snuggles close to the source of the warmth pressed close to her and only when she feels Alyssa stirring a bit does the night before come rushing back to her. Emma smiles and opens her eyes again, looking down to see Alyssa with her head resting on her shoulder; her nose is buried in Emma's neck and one of her hands is fisted tightly on the fabric of Emma’s shirt.

From up this close Emma doesn’t need her glasses to see Alyssa in perfect detail; she sleeps with her mouth half open as she snores lightly and Emma finds it too cute.

Right then, as everything except Alyssa is blurry and Emma feels warm and safe where she is as the soft morning light washes everything in a gentle glow, she doesn’t think she has ever felt this happy before.

She’s so distracted by her own thoughts that it takes her a moment to realize the noise she just heard is the front door slamming shut and the realization of what that means hits her like a brick wall. _Oh shit._

“Holy shit.” She says it out loud too, for good measure.

Disentangling herself from Alyssa is easier said than done because she just _won’t wake up_ and Emma starts to get a bit desperate as she finally manages to get off the bed and she looks down on the floor to look for her jeans shorts. She was absolutely not ready to be murdered in her girlfriend’s bedroom while wearing only a pair of boyshorts and a t-shirt and yes, that was a genuine fear.

“Alyssa _,”_ Emma whisper-yells, shaking her a little while she looks around to see if she can spot her glasses somewhere. “ _Alyssa_!” Emma tries again, a little louder this time and poking Alyssa on the thigh and something works because she finally – _finally –_ opens her eyes and Emma sighs in relief.

Alyssa simply stares confusedly at Emma for a moment, still not completely awake. She's bleary-eyed and her hair is mussed beyond hope and she is cute but Emma needs to make her understand the severity of their actual situation.

“ _Alyssa? Are you awake yet?”_ Or maybe that’ll do it. Alyssa’s eyes widen in realization as she gapes at Emma; thankfully it sounds like Mrs. Greene is still downstairs for now.

"Holy shit," Alyssa whispers, throwing away the sheets from her body and getting up in a single movement.

“That’s what I said.” Emma says matter-of-fact and finally spots something that might be her shorts on the floor; she hastily picks it up and puts it on, looking around for the button up she was wearing over her tee yesterday. “Do you know where my glasses are?”

Alyssa looks around for a moment before nodding and moving to her nightstand to pick Emma’s glasses and hand them to her.

Emma puts on her glasses and Alyssa’s bedroom comes into sharp focus; Alyssa is putting on a pair of sleeping shorts over her underwear when they hear the first steps on the stairs and she springs into action while Emma watches somewhat hopelessly; maybe she’s freaking out a little.

Emma’s high tops get kicked under the bed and then Alyssa just picks all their things that were scattered on the floor and dumps them unceremoniously into her closet making her bedroom look a hundred percent neater and more organized than it was just a second ago.

Alyssa just realizes that they need to find a place to hide Emma, and soon, when her eyes zeroes in on the open door of her closet and it's like a light bulb goes on in her head; Emma is just considering getting under the bed too when Alyssa pulls on her hand to get her attention, “you need to get in the closet,” she whispers at her and it takes Emma a moment to realize that's not a gay joke.

“Really?” Emma manages to sound deadpan even though she’s genuinely scared she’ll die by Mrs. Greene hands if she doesn’t move soon.

“I’m sorry, I love you!” Alyssa does sound apologetic, but she’s still pushing Emma in the closet direction. With a quick peck to her lips and without any preambles Emma is shoved into the closet and the door is shut on her face.

Not even five seconds later she can hear the bedroom door being opened and Mrs. Green shrill voice and suddenly, Emma has to bite her lips to keep herself from laughing at the insanity of it all.

_“Alyssa! Didn’t you hear me calling you?”_

_“Sorry, mom. I was-”_

_“Who were you talking to?”_ Emma's heart stops beating for a second and the only thought in her head is how ironic it is that she’s going to die in a closet.

“ _With Emma_.” Alyssa splutters. “ _On the phone. We were making some plans for today.”_

Emma can perfectly picture Mrs. Greene pursed lips now.

“ _Right_.” Mrs. Greene clears her throat. “ _Anything interesting?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“The plans you were making?”_

_“Oh. Right.”_ Alyssa pauses and Emma can hear her moving through the room. _“We’re having brunch. With her grandmother. Betsy. Yes, I’m having breakfast with Emma and her grandmother. Betsy.”_

_“Oh, sounds fun?”_ Mrs. Greene says in a voice that implies that it is anything but. _“I was going to ask if you wanted to go to the store with me, I need to pick up a few things for dinner; but since you already have plans…"_   she clears her throat, " _do you want me to bring you something?”_

_“Erm, I don’t think I need anything?”_

_“Okay then. Have you fun at your… brunch. I’ll see you later, sweetheart.”_

_"Bye, mom."_

Emma holds her breath as she hears the bedroom door closing and she waits for Alyssa to open the closet for her when she’s sure her mom is really gone.

“Holy shit.” She whispers to Alyssa when she finally pulls the door open for Emma.

“I know. I’m sorry, babe.” She tries to look regretful but the effect is lost when she starts smirking. “Though I have to admit that you look very hot right now, standing inside my closet with your shorts unbuttoned.” Alyssa bites her lip and Emma mumbles something under her breath.

“Shut up," Emma says as she buttons her shorts up and steps out of the closet. “This was so close, Alyssa. I thought I was about to die,” She looks around the room wide-eyed and notices that Alyssa had finished tidying it up and done her bed while she talked to her mom.

“We really used to be more careful,” Alyssa says, picking up a few items of clothes to change into. 

"Yeah," Emma snorts as she bends down to pick her sneakers from under the bed. Alyssa combing through her hair with her fingers when she turns around with the high tops in her hands and Emma is momentarily struck by how beautiful her girlfriend is.

“Sorry, I couldn’t find your shirt though.” Alyssa tries to sound innocent but Emma can see clearly through her act.

"Right," Emma abandons her shoes on the floor again and closes the space between them with only a few steps. She leans into Alyssa's space to steal a quick kiss; there's a mischievous smile on Alyssa's face when Emma pulls back and all she can do is shake her head in fond amusement and kiss Alyssa again.

/

Emma’s phone makes a soft noise as it buzzes on the passenger seat of her truck where she had thrown it after dropping Alyssa home just a few minutes ago.

They had walked back to Emma’s house hand in hand under the warm sun of the late morning and it was nice even if some people still stared. Emma was too happy to care about that and Alyssa was too distracted to even notice.

Emma had kept stealing glances at Alyssa and squeezing her hand after every other step she took; just because she could and because she wanted to remember this moment later too. Alyssa hadn’t commented on it, even if Emma knew that she had caught on what she was doing.

They end up having brunch with Betsy anyway and Alyssa finds it funny, though she makes something up when Betsy asks her why she and Emma keep chuckling when they glance at each other.

Emma only looks at her phone when she has parked the car in front of her house; the notification is from a new text message from Aalyssa and Emma smiles immediately as she looks down at her phone’s screen. There’s a selfie of Alyssa lying on her bed and wearing the very button-up shirt that she claimed she couldn't find this morning.

Under the picture, it simply reads _found your shirt_ and a heart eyes emoji.

Emma shakes her head, though she can’t stop the way she’s smiling or how her heart flutters as she looks at Alyssa’s picture on her phone.

_im gonna run out of clothes to wear soon_

She quickly types back and climbs out of her truck; Alyssa's reply comes in just a few seconds later.

_babe_

_the fact that you havent yet shows  
you how much self restraint i have_

It’s like Emma can hear the words on Alyssa’s voice and all she can do is roll her eyes fondly at her phone, because if she were being honest right now, she would keep buying new clothes every day if only it meant she and Alyssa could still be like this forever.

* * *

 

“Do you think Betsy would let me spend the night at yours next Friday?” Alyssa asks as she swings their joined hands between them as they slowly walk through a park near the mall.

“You want to spend the night?” Emma raises an eyebrow.

"Kind of," Alyssa says quickly.

“You… _kind of_ want to spend the night?” Emma sounds confused and it makes Alyssa smile.

“Yep.”

"Okay," Emma says slowly, shrugging. “I don’t know. Grandma can be reasonable, but would your mom allow it?”

Alyssa hums, “Don’t worry about my mom.” She skips a few steps ahead of Emma, never letting go of her hand and turns so she's walking backward and facing Emma. "I was thinking that you and I could watch the shower from your backyard.”

“What shower?”

Alyssa smiles, “the meteor shower that Mrs. Jackson was babbling about that last day of class.”

“Oh,” Emma frowns, “I don’t remember that.”

"Because you weren't paying attention," Alyssa tells her sounding like a smartass and Emma narrows her eyes.

“I was trying to, but _someone_ kept texting me.”

“Well, if _someone_ had replied the first time, then _someone_ would have stopped texting.”

“I was actually trying to pay attention!” Emma says indignantly, tightening her hold on Alyssa’s hand when she stumbles a little. “You’re going to hurt yourself,” Emma pulls on Alyssa’s hand until they’re almost nose to nose and her free hand wraps around her waist.

Alyssa snorts, ignoring Emma last sentence completely, “what kind of nerd pays attention to the last day of class?”

"You, apparently," Emma says smugly, and Alyssa bites her lip to stop her smile, noticing the way Emma’s eyes follows the movement.

“You’re annoying.” Alyssa sighs, pulling Emma on a kiss.

“ _You’_ re annoying.” Emma parrots, sounding just a little dazed. “Tell me about this meteor shower.” She lets go of Alyssa’s waist and starts walking again, pulling Alyssa along with her.

“Okay, so…” And Emma really tries to pay attention to what Alyssa is telling her, but she’s gesturing wildly with one hand as she speaks and she has on that big smile that always distracts Emma. 

There aren’t a lot of people at the park at this time of the day, just a few couples and some mothers with their kids; no one is paying much attention to them and Alyssa looks so excited and carefree and _happy,_ like nothing around them matters anymore and Emma thinks she’s falling in love all over again.

/

Emma stops just inside the door that leads to the backyard and leans a little on the doorframe as she watches Alyssa spread a blanket on a random spot on the grass. Emma can hear her singing softly under her breath what sounds like a Taylor Swift song and Emma grins, happy to stay where she is for a moment and simply enjoy the sight.

Alyssa is wearing a striped tank top tucked into a pair of faded, high waisted shorts and a denim shirt that used to be Emma’s with the sleeves rolled up. Her hair is in a messy bun on the top of her head, just to keep it away from her face and Emma thinks she has never looked more beautiful. It’s so cliché, but Emma can’t help the thought.

This had been happening a lot lately; those little moments where it just strikes her how beautiful Alyssa is or how good it feels that she gets to be in love with this amazing girl that loves her back. And how lucky is she to have all that?

Alyssa has started half dancing, half skipping around to the beat on her head as she straightens the blanket and arranges a few pillows over it. But all Emma can see is the smile on her face. It’s so bright and big and Emma thinks briefly that if Alyssa tries to smile a little more she’ll run out of space; Alyssa’s eyes are crinkling at the corners because of her smile and her nose’s scrunching up just a little and Emma forgets everything else for a moment.

Alyssa does a half spin on her spot and finally notices Emma watching her, and yeah, Emma was wrong before when she thought Alyssa’s smile couldn’t get any bigger. She tries to take a mental picture of the exact way Alyssa is looking at her so she can remember it later.

“Did you get the sandwiches, Em?” Alyssa asks and it takes Emma a moment to process that that was a question directed at her and that she’s supposed to say something in return.

“Oh,” she says dumbly, “I forgot it?” Truth be told, she hadn’t even moved from her spot since Alyssa had asked her, “I’ll go get it.” But she doesn’t make any mention to move.

Alyssa rolls her eyes but she's still smiling as she takes the few steps to close the distance between them. She takes one of Emma's hands and tugs a little on it until Emma comes willingly with her out to the backyard. "Go sit down, I got it," Alyssa says and Emma wants to protest but Alyssa has already placed a kiss on her cheek and is making her way inside the house.

Emma does as she’s told and sits down on the blanket, stretching her legs straight in front of her and leaning back on her arms as she waits for Alyssa.

It takes a few minutes, but Alyssa comes back from inside the house balancing the plate with the sandwiches Besty had made for them on top of a Tupperware full of cookies and grapping a water bottle under one arm.

She hands Emma item by item and Emma carefully deposits each one beside her on the blanket; only when Alyssa has her hands free does she nudges Emma’s legs open with a foot, making space for herself to sit down resting her back against Emma.

Alyssa sighs contently when Emma wraps her arms around her middle and pulls Alyssa tighter to herself, resting her chin on Alyssa’s shoulder.

“Are you hungry yet?” Emma asks on Alyssa’s ear.

"In a bit," Alyssa says because she’s too comfortable to move right now and the food can wait.

“Okay.” They stay quiet for a while, happy to just be wrapped in each as they look up at the sky; at some point, Emma starts to hum a song under her breath and Alyssa finds it soothing even if she doesn’t recognize it.

It takes some time until they can finally see a meteor for sure and Emma unwraps one arm from around Alyssa to point at it.

“Look.” She whispers a bit in awe and Alyssa smiles, settling further into Emma’s warmth.

Alyssa laces her fingers with Emma’s when she brings her arm down around her again and then loses all notion of time as they keep looking up as some more meteors cross the night sky.

"I heard from San Francisco today," Emma says after a while and Alyssa's whole body stiffens for a moment before she can force herself to relax.

“Oh.” Is all she can think to say as Emma’s words sink in. “Did you get in?” She asks in a low whisper when Emma doesn’t say anything else.

“Yeah.”

“ _Oh.”_ Alyssa knew this was coming but it still feels like a bucket of ice water has been dropped on her head and she doesn’t quite know what to say or how to react. She knows she should be happy for Emma right now, but she’s just… she doesn’t know how she’s feeling actually.

“But, um- I don’t think I’m going.” Alyssa’s heart skips a beat at Emma’s words and she’s not sure what she’s hoping for as she waits for Emma to elaborate more. “I also got a letter from NYU a couple of days ago.”

“I didn’t know you had applied there.” Alyssa tries to turn so she can look at Emma as they have this conversation but Emma’s arms around her hold her firmly in place. She could easily get out of Emma’s embrace if she wanted to but instead, she looks back up at the sky as she tries to process what Emma is saying here.

“It was sort of a last minute thing.” Emma clears her throat awkwardly, it’s one of her tells, actually, and Alyssa understands what she’s not saying too. “I even got a partial scholarship.”

“So you’re not going to San Francisco then?” She asks in a small voice, praying that Emma can’t see through her and what she’s hoping to hear.

“I think I’m going to NYU, yeah.”

Alyssa closes her eyes for a moment, thinking over what Emma is telling her and refusing to be truly happy about these news until she can be sure that Emma is not doing this on a whim.

“Emma,” she says slowly, “are you choosing New York because of me?” Alyssa thinks that whatever way she phrases it, it still will sound like this; she’s not sure what answer she wants to hear.

“Grandma asked me the same thing when I talked to her earlier.” Emma sighs. “Here’s the thing; since the beginning, when we started talking about what colleges we wanted to go and everything, what I had loved about San Francisco wasn’t exactly the school, you know? It was the place.” Emma chuckles a little. "Like, San Francisco is supposed to be this super cool place full of open-minded people that won't give a shit when you come out and say you're gay and I don't, I just- every day here, when I thought how much people sucked, I wanted that." Emma finishes her small speech with a shrug that Alyssa can't see but still feels and she takes a moment to make sense of what Emma is telling her.

“And you don’t want that anymore?”

“No, I do. But, you know, New York is a bit like that, too.” Emma says with a half-smile.

“Emma,” Alyssa sighs and Emma loosens her hold on her; Alyssa takes the opportunity to turn around just enough so she’s finally able to look at Emma as they talk.

“I’m thinking about the scholarship too,” Emma adds quickly, predicting what Alyssa is going to say next. “It’ll mean that I only have to partially bury myself in debt. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t take the fact that we could live close to each other in consideration, but it wasn’t the only reason I’m made this decision, that’s just a nice bonus.

“Listen,” Emma continues before Alyssa has a chance to try and say something. “I’ve been thinking about this all day. Actually, I’ve been thinking about this for a lot longer than that if I’m being honest. I thought I’d feel on top of the world when I finally got the letter from San Francisco but instead, this morning while I was reading it, it just felt like the wrong decision.”

"We're all scared of moving away from home, Emma," Alyssa says, taking one of Emma’s hands on hers and squeezing; she doesn’t know why she’s protesting this much when deep inside she just wants to laugh and scream and maybe jump on Emma.

“Believe me, I know. But that's not what I'm talking about. Look, college is supposed to be the period in your life when you figure yourself out, right? You go to parties, experiment new things, meet new people and find out what is it like in the real world. And I want all that," Emma catches Alyssa's eyes. "I really want that, Lys. But I also want to give us a chance and I don't know why those two things have to be mutually exclusive.” Emma sighs, losing steam. “I want to know what we're like when we aren't hiding; and I don’t want to lose you and spend the rest of my life wondering what if.” She says the last part more quietly.

Alyssa stares into Emma’s eyes for a moment or two, as Emma’s words sink in, and she thinks she has finally found the answer she was looking for.

“Are you freaking out?” Emma asks and Alyssa’s snaps out of her thoughts and her serious frown finally breaks into a blinding smile that Emma slowly mirrors.

“I’m not.” Alyssa shakes her head for emphasis. “I think I know what you’re trying to say, though”

“You do?”

“Mmhm.” Emma raises one eyebrow and Alyssa elaborates. "We've spent almost two years stealing moments here and there when we could and it would be nice – actually, a lot more than nice – if we didn't have to spend the next four years doing the same." Alyssa turns to lean her back on Emma's front again, like they were doing before, and stretches her legs as she thinks over what she wants to say next. "You're my first love, Emma. And I think that I'd be okay if you were the only one.” Her heart hammers as she says the words but she doesn’t want to take what she said back.

Emma’s breath hitch a little at Alyssa's words and she wraps her in a tight hug from behind, hiding her face on Alyssa's neck. "I think I'd be okay with that too." She says on Alyssa's skin and watches with half-lidded eyes the goosebumps her breath causes on Alyssa’s neck.

Finally, Alyssa feels herself relax completely since Emma started this conversation and only then she smiles as she allows herself to wonder about a future where she doesn’t have to be content with seeing Emma only through video calls and over the holidays. "Are we naïve?" She ponders out loud not really looking for a real answer.

Emma pulls back a little, chewing on her bottom lip as she seriously considers Alyssa’s question. “We’re teenagers,” she says eventually, “Being naïve is essentially a prerequisite.”

Alyssa smiles and hums an agreement looking up at the sky just in time to see another meteor. “Make a wish, ‘Lyssa," Emma whispers in her ear and she shivers a little.

“Those are not shooting stars.” She points out dumbly.

“Just wish for something, Alyssa," Emma says amused.

“Okay.” Alyssa closes her eyes and thinks for a moment before settling on something to wish for and even if her brain tells her that this is silly, she still can’t help but hope that the universe will listen and make it come true.

“Don’t tell me or it won't happen.”

“Okay.”

/

They don’t go back inside until it’s almost four am and Alyssa can barely keep her eyes open so she’s basically falling asleep on Emma. The walk up the stairs is made slowly as they drag their feet until they can get to Emma’s bedroom.

Alyssa makes a beeline to the dresser as Emma heads back downstairs because she had forgotten to lock the door to the backyard and Betsy would be mad if she woke up and found it open.

It doesn’t take too long for her to find some clothes to wear to bed this time, she just picks whatever t-shirt is on top and a pair of boxer shorts and changes into it quickly so she can finally lie down on the bed and close her eyes.

Emma walks back into the room without making much noise a few minutes later, but Alyssa still hears her steps and she opens her eyes to watch as Emma puts a water bottle on top of the dresser and opens a drawer to pick up a top to wear to bed.

Alyssa doesn’t even try and pretend like she isn’t watching as Emma pulls off her jeans and slips into a pair of pajama shorts, and her brain short circuits a little when Emma pulls her t-shirt off and then unhooks her bra. By now, Alyssa has seen Emma naked more than just a few times, and still the vision never fails to take her breath away; and even if all she can see right now is Emma’s back, it is a nice view.

She can see all the freckles on the skin of Emma’s back and she briefly wonders what constellations they would form if she tried to connect them and why hadn't she thought about this before?

Emma turns around when she’s finished getting dressed and falters a bit as she finds Alyssa’s eyes on her because she really thought that she would have fallen asleep already.

“What?” She looks down at what she’s wearing and then pushes her glasses up her nose; the familiar gesture brings a soft smile to Alyssa’s face.

“You’re pretty,” she says what she's thinking and Emma blushes; Alyssa finds it adorable that even after they have been dating for almost two years now, she’s still capable of making Emma look like that when she compliments her. Alyssa's smile stretches until her whole face is in it, eyes crinkling and all. "Come to bed," she tells Emma, waggling her eyebrows playfully and lifting a corner of the cover up in a clear invitation.

Emma rolls her eyes but she’s smiling as she takes the water bottle from the dresser and goes to turn off the lights.

“We’re going to New York together,” Alyssa whispers after Emma has put both her glasses and the water bottle on the nightstand and climbed into the bed. She lies on her side, facing Alyssa and Alyssa scoots closer until they’re almost nose to nose.

“I know.” Emma smiles.

“We’re gonna live thirty minutes from each other, not three thousand miles.” Alyssa sounds giddy and Emma leans forward to place a kiss on the tip of her nose that makes her giggle. “I mean, college still is going to be hard; but I guess it can’t be that bad now that we’ll have each other to lean on…” Alyssa grabs the hem of Emma’s top with a hand and doesn’t let go.

“It’s not gonna be easy, but it’ll be okay.” Emma agrees, her breath tickling Alyssa’s face.

“I’m cool with that.”

“Em?” Alyssa whispers after Emma has been quiet for a few seconds.

“Yeah?” Emma's words are mumbled as if she's half asleep already and Alyssa bites her lip.

“I wanna spoon.”

“Okay,” Emma opens her eyes just a little to stare as Alyssa rolls on her other side until her back is to Emma and Emma closes the small distance that still remains, wrapping one arm around Alyssa’s waist, her fingers coming to rest just underneath the hem of t-shirt Alyssa is wearing.

Emma nuzzles on the back of Alyssa’s neck and sighs, “'Lyssa, I love you hair, but please try and keep it out of my mouth this time.” Emma murmurs on Alyssa’s skin and it makes her shiver a little.

“Em?” Alyssa whispers again when she heard Emma’s breath slowling down.

“Yes, Alyssa?”

“I love you.”

Emma hums, “I love you too.”

/

Inevitably, Alyssa’s hair falls from her bun at some point during the night and Emma wakes up in the early afternoon to a mouthful of it anyway.

/

Emma and Alyssa sit on the floor of Emma’s bedroom still in the clothes they have slept in; it’s past one pm already but they just woke up and the more they were willing to move was from the bed to the floor as they ate breakfast.

Not that it was actually breakfast. Emma had gone downstairs to get something for them to eat and came back up with a bowl of cookie dough and two spoons; Alyssa had just shrugged and accepted the spoon Emma offered her.

Probably, they weren’t supposed to be eating that, but Betsy wasn’t there when they had woken up and thus there wasn’t anyone to prevent them from eating it anyway.

"Mom wanted me to try out for the cheer squad at Columbia," Alyssa says out of the blue and Emma stops halfway before shoving a spoonful of cookie dough in her mouth, staring at Alyssa with mild amusement.

“What did you tell her?”

“Hard pass,” Alyssa scoops a bit of dough in her spoon and pauses, “not with those words, of course. But I’m barely resisting the urge to burn my old uniforms, no way I’m putting myself through all that again.” She shudders; cheerleading was something that she got used to after doing it for four years, but it didn’t mean that she enjoyed it now any more than she did freshman year when her mom had signed her up before telling her.

Emma has her eyes closed as she chews, but when she opens them again to stare at Alyssa there’s a mischievous glint there. “I liked your uniforms,” she raises an eyebrow as she says it and Alyssa snorts.

"Of course you did," Alyssa smirks.

They eat in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes and Alyssa abandons her spoon on the floor when she feels like she’s going to explode; she tries to ignore the voice of her mom in her head telling her that she shouldn't have eaten this much. Instead of wallowing on it though, she maneuvers her body until she’s lying on the floor with her head comfortably resting on Emma’s thigh and brings one of her hands to her stomach to massage it a little.

Emma’s spoon is hanging in her mouth as she looks down at Alyssa looking up at her; one of her hands comes down to play with a loose strand of Alyssa's hair, curling and uncurling it on one finger and occasionally scratching her scalp.

Alyssa closes her eyes at the soothing sensation; she feels so warm and full that she could fall asleep right there, even if she had just woken up less than an hour ago.

“What’s the most exciting thing you're looking forward to when we move out?" Emma asks and Alyssa opens her eyes to look at her as she thinks about the question.

Something catches her eye on Emma’s neck and it takes her a moment to realize that’s it’s the leather chord of her necklace, and Alyssa automatically lifts one hand to free the guitar pick pendant from where it’s tucked under the neck of Emma’s tank top.

She ignores Emma’s indignant _hey_ after she almost hits her in the face with her hand.

This had been Alyssa’s gift for Emma for their six months anniversary right before junior year had ended. She remembers making it in her bedroom one night, following a tutorial on her phone after her mom had gone to sleep. It was something very simple really; just a braided leather cord that she had bought in a crafts store and a guitar pick. But Emma had loved it so much when Alyssa had presented it to her.

Emma had looked at the necklace with such awe, as if it were the finest jewelry in the world, and that had been the first time that Alyssa had really considered the fact that perhaps she had much more deep feelings for Emma than she had thought.

“I can’t wait to be able to sleep late every Sunday,” she states with a dreamy sigh and Emma almost chokes on her laughter. “Hey, can I confess something to you?” Alyssa asks softly when Emma stops laughing; she’s still fiddling absentmindedly with the guitar pick hanging from Emma’s neck.

"You can tell me anything," Emma says gently, running her fingers through Alyssa’s hair.

Alyssa stares at the necklace as she speaks, “I was really scared, you know? About us. About being on different states. I was scared about losing you again.” The last part is whispered so low that Emma can barely hear it, but she can feel her heart lurch painfully inside her chest and she understands what Alyssa is saying.

“I don’t want to lose you, too," Emma says and Alyssa's eyes find hers and hold her gaze and they don’t need to say anything else for a while.

Alyssa lets go of Emma's necklace shifts until she is lying on her side with her nose almost pressed against Emma’s stomach while Emma is still stroking her hair. She brings one hand up to lift Emma’s top just enough so she can place a kiss on the soft skin of her tummy.

Emma starts to hum a song under her breath and Alyssa closes her eyes to listen to the melody; she thinks she’s almost falling asleep again when her brain finally places what song is it that Emma is humming.

It’s an old country song that Alyssa had gotten stuck on her head for some reason right when they had started dating and Emma had learned to play it on the guitar for Alyssa, just because. She had even recorded herself singing it, along with _Imagine_ and a few others of Alyssa’s favorite songs and burned in on a thumb drive that she gave to Alyssa a while ago.

Alyssa had thought that had been the sweetest, most thoughtful gift she has ever gotten because it had meant she could hear Emma singing just for her whenever she wanted to.

That reminded her of something else, too, and she buries her face on Emma’s stomach in embarrassment for a moment.

“What?” Emma asks when Alyssa starts to chuckle and it kind of tickles and giver her butterflies at the same time.

"I just remembered something else," Alyssa mumbles on Emma’s stomach which makes her squirm a bit at the feeling and Alyssa pushes away just a little so she can look back up at Emma again.

“Right after we graduated, remember that day we spend driving around and we were talking about college and stuff?” She waits for Emma to nod before continuing, “After you dropped me home I kept thinking about you in San Francisco and imagining all these scenarios about you and…” Alyssa trails off self-consciously and feeling a bit ridiculous about what she was about to tell Emma.

“About me and what, Lys?” Emma prompts.

“Okay, so.” Alyssa chews on her lips for a moment, “I googled San Francisco, right? Not just the college, but the city too and did you know there’s a lot of gay bars and cafes there? And after I read a little about it, all I could think about was you with your guitar playing in an open mic night in one of those places. And in my imagination there would be like, all those girls fawning over you and soon you’d be like _Alyssa who_? And forget about me in favor of meeting all these cool girls that would be hitting on you.” She pouts, her eyes glazing over as she plays the scenario in her head.

“That’s a very specific scenario, did you think about it a lot?” Alyssa can hear the stupid smile on Emma’s voice as she speaks and it makes her want to slap Emma and keep on hiding on her stomach simultaneously.

“Shut up.” She mumbles.

“All those girls fawning over me, really?” Alyssa knows very well when she’s being teased and it’s what incentives her to turn on her back to scowl at Emma.

“More like a herd of thirsty lesbians, actually.” Her nose is scrunched up as she says it and Emma thinks it’s cute, even if Alyssa is being silly right now.

Emma’s face is a mixture of amusement and incredulity that Alyssa finds very entertaining to watch. “I- _what_?” It looks like she’s trying very hard not to laugh and Alyssa appreciates the effort because she is embarrassed as it is without Emma outright laughing at her face.

“Emma,” Alyssa starts, gesturing around with one hand and accidentally hitting Emma’s boobs. “Sorry,” she smiles sheepishly before lowering her arm again. “Do you know how good you look when you are playing your guitar and singing? And by good I meant hot. Like, you’re hot, you’re always hot, but babe, the guitar adds to it. You’re hot when you’re playing your guitar is what I’m saying.”

Alyssa watches in delight as a blush spreads all the way from Emma’s neck to the tips of her ears and her mouth opens and closes a couple of times as she tries do think of how to answer that.

“You just said hot four times in one breath and I just remembered you’re a jock,” Emma smirks, her cheeks still red.

"Shut up, nerd," Alyssa says in mock offense and pokes Emma's stomach lightly with a finger; it just makes her laugh.

Emma catches Alyssa’s finger in one hand before she has the chance to poke her again. “Yeah, well, behave or I won’t let you protect me from the mean, thirsty lesbians when we’re in New York then.”

Alyssa snorts, “Don’t worry, I’ll.” She winks at Emma with both eyes and Emma leans down to kiss her softly once, before pulling back with a small smile and brushing Alyssa’s bottom lip with her thumb.

“What do you want to do later?” Alyssa asks.

“I don’t know,” Emma shrugs, “I thought you had to go home?”

“I guess. You could come over and have dinner with my mom and me.” Alyssa says, raising an eyebrow in question, unwilling to have this day with Emma end.

“Oh no, look at that.” Emma says sardonically, “I already have another torture session scheduled for that same time.”

Alyssa rolls her eyes, “c'mon, it's not _that_ bad.”

“ _Alyssa.”_

_“_ I mean, yes it is. But you know it’s… I… I actually don’t know where I was going with that.”

“I noticed.” Emma snickers.

“Do you want to catch a movie, then?”

Emma hums noncommittally; she’s not too worried about what they’re doing for the rest of the day as long and they’re doing it together. She starts running a hand through Alyssa’s hair again and watches as her eyes flutter closed; she wouldn’t mind if this is how they spent the whole day.

“This is nice.” Alyssa murmurs.

“It is.” Emma agrees.

* * *

Summer break comes to an end earlier than either of them would like; and before they know it, it’s almost September and they are loading all their things into Mrs. Greene minivan. Because _of course_ she had insisted on driving Alyssa to New York, and since Emma was going there too it only made sense that they carpool. Betsy’s coming along too, because she has to make sure Emma's dorm is safe and the food at the cafeteria is edible.

Emma tries to be mentally prepared for what’s probably going to be the longest twelve hours of her life as she climbs into the backseat beside Alyssa. Alyssa’s eyes catch hers for a moment and she’s smirking as she scoots over to seat closer to Emma.

“Don’t forget your seatbelt,” Emma quips, putting an arm around Alyssa’s shoulder and not caring that Mrs. Greene was probably going to see it when she got into the driver seat.

They watch through the window as Betsy offers Mrs. Greene a few cookies from a Tupperware; and Mrs. Greene – who, much to Emma’s amusement is wearing _jeans_ and a sensible shirt instead of her usual pantsuits – accepts one with a smile; she even laughs a little as Betsy says something to her.

Emma wonders for a moment how is this her life now; she thinks that she can't wait to see what the future is going to look like.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to have finished this chapter on Thursday but I kept changing my mind about how I wanted to end the story and then I kept adding to it for some reason and it ended up being twice as long than I had originally planned.
> 
> Okay, I'm very awkward but I just wanted to thank everyone who has read this and then taken the time to leave kudos and comments. This is the first thing I have written in a while and I'm just out of my mind with happiness at how much love I got from you guys because of it.  
> Seriously, reading your comments has been the best part of my day and I just wanted to say that I love all of you and thank you so much for reading this. I'm gonna end this awkward ramble now.
> 
> By the way, the meteor shower mentioned is called the Perseids and it happens around the end of July/ beginning of August, so look out for that if you want to.

**Author's Note:**

> The next chapter is 80% written already, so I'll be posting it soon.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and if you did kudos and comments are always welcome ;D


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